Yo!kozuna

Leonard is the largest man I have ever seen. He’s like 400, 500 pounds. (At that size, you can give or take a hundred.) He is so big he looks like two people smooshed together, and he wears a basketball jersey over a sweater and a gold chain and what he’d really like to do with his life is be a rapper. In the meantime, he’s a bank teller.

Out of nowhere, he bought me a sake bomb at the sushi place yesterday. This was right after my friends dared me to reproduce that scene from Cool Hand Luke, only instead of consuming 50 hard-boiled eggs it was 50 pieces of nigiri sushi.

It must have been one hell of a spectacle, with all of the frat house-like chanting and screaming and high-fiving going on after I effortlessly swallowed the last piece and stuck my empty tongue out. Too bad I didn’t have my Karate Kid bandana on me. Anyway, that’s when Leonard introduced himself to us. He sort of waddled from across the room and said, “You arr seem rike a gregalious gloup. Ret me buy you a sake bomb.”

Leonard’s also Japanese, which is why he mixes a lot of his r’s and l’s up. When we were talking politics he was all, “How do you feel about Obama and his historic erection?”

How I found out about his aspirations to be a rapper was when I noticed “Yo!kozuna” tattooed across his inner forearm. “It’s my lap name,” he told me. So of course, I revealed to him that I was also an Asian rapper, and of course, we battle freestyled each other while dorky white boys around us beatboxed.

Yo!kozuna:

Yo, you eat sushi
rike your name is Suzy
Samurai like Berushi
shoot an Uzi for that Gucci
kill you softry like a Fugee
and then smoke a doobie

Pistol Pete:

Back when Mark Walhberg was Marky Mark
This is how we used to make the party start
We used to mix Hen’ with Bacardi Dark
And when it, kicks in you can hardly...[interrupted by boos]