Chasing Jillian

Ran into Jillian from The Bachelorette at the Walgreens on Michigan and Illinois. Well, “ran into” is not the word. On the bus ride home from work I spotted what could’ve been pretty much any attractive woman pushing through a revolving door into that store, but somehow, based off of that millisecond-long glimpse, I knew it was her. She has this pudgy sort of nose, you know. I yanked on the pull-cord, jolting the bus to a stop, and speed-walked into Walgreens, hoping to accidentally collide into her, spilling our shopping items onto the floor. “Whoop!” she’d squeal, startled, her hair clumsily flying about in a cute, comedic, Jennifer Aniston sort of way. I’d apologize in a voice about two octaves deeper than necessary, quickly helping her with her things, making sure she noticed me picking up my box of Magnum XLs.

And then I’d exaggerate a double take. “Say – aren’t you Jillian Harris, a jilted fan-favorite on the Jason Mesnick season of The Bachelor who went on to star as The Bachelorette?”

“That’s meee,” she’d say, shrugging and making a cute face that would consist of her eyes getting larger and the bottom row of her teeth being exposed. Her silly way of trying to appear approachable.

We’d chat for a few minutes more while waiting in line at the register. I’d notice Corey Haim on a cover of People and joke, “Damn it! I keep writing ‘Corey Haim is still alive’ on all of my checks.” Jillian would laugh loudly at this – she’d laugh in a way that Ed never made her laugh – thus earning me her phone number and sparking a tumultuous affair that would lead to me dramatically showing up to her and Ed’s televised wedding on some Caribbean island, interrupting with a cry of NOOOOO!!! while they were in the middle of their vows.

I’d follow with a heroically-delivered poem, and then slowly walk up to her, placing that issue of People with the Corey Haim cover onto her hand. Then I’d walk away. Jillian of course would yell WAIT and run towards me to everyone’s astonishment and then we’d embrace and make out with lots of tongue action. ABC’s ratings would be through the fucking roof. The entire blogosphere would have a seizure on that shit, son. Jillian and I would eventually do the whole talk show circuit thing, even convincing Oprah to come back for another season just so that she could interview America’s new Favorite Couple.

But what instead happened at Walgreens is I followed her into the makeup aisle, feeling like a total creep for examining a cheap case of rouge powder while eyeing her carefully through a mirror and furtively texting my friends, “omg she is 5 feet away. wearing nice looking pea coat with shiny boots. her hair smells nice.”

I was in the middle of psyching myself up for my grand introduction when she turned the corner and walked into the “Feminine Needs” aisle. Now, makeup I can handle. Tampons, I cannot. They just make me feel light-headed. You know how some people hold their breath when they drive past a cemetery so they won’t die? I hold my breath when I walk through the tampon section of a store so I won’t sprout a vagina.

So I’m in the tampon section, holding my breath, literally holding my breath, when about two minutes pass and I can’t take it anymore so I go outside for some oxygen and then just end up leaving Walgreens altogether. Yeah I have, on occasion, watched The Bachelorette. Shut up, nothing else was on.