4:59

Cokehead from accounting got all kinds of pregnant (totally not guilty — everyone knows I shoot blanks) and then her doctor told her to stay home for the rest of her last trimester. We threw a baby shower for her right before the holiday. Then on Sunday I’m out driving, windows down, blasting that Li’l Wayne song about how you need to show your man your vagina when he gets home from work, and for a second there I think I see Cokehead From Accounting, walking down the street, totally 100% unpregnant.

It wasn’t her, of course, but it got me to thinking about concocting an elaborate scam where you pretend to be pregnant, announcing it to your coworkers, faking a glow via carefully applied makeup, wearing a fake belly that you bought from Spencers, etc. Then the sudden news where your fictional doctor orders you to stay in bed for the next three months, and then hell-o paid vacation city, USA. And then of course Phase II where you return to work with pictures of Suri Cruise or whomever and then have to pay an illegal Mexican to show up with you at company parties, but I think it’d all be worth it.

Yesterday one of the VPs was talking about shoe fashion and he made a reference to the movie Caddyshack by saying, “In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, loafer.’” (You see what he did there? Replacing “gopher” with “loafer?”) And I was all: “Carl Spackler in the hizzie!!” And he was super impressed that I caught that reference. I mean it wasn’t like: “High five! Way to feel me!” It was more like solemn awe. He sort of shook his head in wonder, deadly serious, slapping me on the shoulder and saying I was a “pro.” This is good timing because I have another review coming up and evidently I still haven’t done any of things I was hired to do.