In a World

PETE: Who dis.

DIKEMBE: It’s Dick, asshole.

PETE: Yeah. Did Judy ever read your love note.

DIKEMBE: Bitch returned it unopened and said there’s no us.

PETE: Well, girls appreciate persistence. Next time try gluing cut-out letters from various magazines onto a sheet of paper and make it say ‘i aM GoiNg To gEt yoU.’

DIKEMBE: Listen to this.

PETE: Slide it under her door.

DIKEMBE: I think she’s seeing Ivan from improv.

PETE: Say what.

DIKEMBE: Remember him. That voice-over actor who always bugged us for a ride home. The ‘In A World’ guy.

PETE: I know who Ivan is. But you can’t be serious.

DIKEMBE: Over the weekend he posted a few pictures of them together and then she untagged herself in all of those pictures, because I think she doesn’t want me to know.

PETE: Clearly he is secretly fucking her.

DIKEMBE: I just can’t believe it. He’s twice her age. It must be the voice.

PETE: So deep, so ominous.

DIKEMBE: So syrupy, so masculine.

PETE: You know. I always thought he looked exactly like what an ‘In A World’ guy ought to look like: silver-haired, dapper, professional. Maybe she just digs the older, distinguished type.

DIKEMBE: All I’m thinking about right now is him slamming her doggystyle and his hair being perfect.

PETE: I’m sure he performs award-winning voice-over narration during sex. ‘In a world where female ejaculation is possible.’

DIKEMBE: Oh God. I should club his larynx with a hammer.

PETE: How about changing your voice.

DIKEMBE: How do I do that.

PETE: Don’t know. I guess just pretend we’re at improv, only you have to stay in character for the rest of your life.

DIKEMBE: That will never work.

PETE: Did you know that Nicolas Cage’s voice is not his voice. He created that nasal sound during high school because he wanted something more distinct for Hollywood. It’s stuck with him ever since.

DIKEMBE: I wouldn’t mind having Vin Diesel’s voice.

PETE: James Earl Jones.

DIKEMBE: Jeremy... EXCUSE ME, JEREMY IRONS.

PETE: Elton from Clueless.

DIKEMBE: ROLLIN' WITH THE HOMIES. TEE HEE.

PETE: Christian Bale playing Batman.

DIKEMBE: WE CAN DO THIS ALL DAY.

PETE: Barry Whi—hey wait a sec. Your voice somehow sounds different now.

DIKEMBE: YEAH.

PETE: Yeah, how are you doing that. There’s an echo to it. A slight reverberation.

DIKEMBE: (Grunt.)

PETE: Is that flushing I hear. Are you taking a shit in the bathroom.

EVERYONE ELSE: Ha ha ha.

DIKEMBE: AM I ON SPEAKER PHONE.

PETE: Yes.

DIKEMBE: GOTTA GO.

PETE: Later gator.