My Thing With Natalie Portman

My thing with Natalie Portman is very complicated. I’ve wanted to have sex with her since I was thirteen, when I’d rented Léon with money I’d taken from my mom’s purse. I’d rented this movie because the lead villain is played by the best character actor in Hollywood, Gary Oldman, whom I’d first discovered from the movie Sid and Nancy, a story about the life of Sid Vicious, bassist of the Sex Pistols, a band I’d adored despite the fact that I’d thought the word “anarchy” had something to do with spiders (arachnids). But Portman stole the whole show for me. She was pretty much everything I’d ever dreamed of in a girl: the angles of her eyebrows were intriguing, she looked beautiful when she cried, and her transparent high IQ made her, I felt, destined for Harvard. In terms of the total package, she was light years ahead of my previous crush, Jodie Sweetin. And she did fulfill her Harvard destiny, becoming more and more beautiful in the process, yet somehow somewhere along the way things weren’t the same anymore. She didn’t take George Lucas seriously enough, and she started channeling way too much Audrey Hepburn at red carpet events. The approachable, “quirky” character she played in Garden State fooled everyone but me. She played a stripper in Closer, but her ass was disgusting. Very pale and resembling a pair of balloons filled up with tapioca pudding, her ass epitomized the granny ass. In the lap dance scene, she squats and shows her snatch to Clive Owen and he says something like “Very nice,” but you can totally tell that he is being insincere. And then for her next movie she shaves her head, goes all Sinéad on us, as if doing so will earn her street cred, as if it’s the equivalent of De Niro putting on sixty pounds to play Jake La Motta. I mean what the fuck. During all this time, I’ve been putting her in my Top Five Girls I’d Do list as a courtesy, because, after all, she is incredibly elegant and strikingly good-looking. But she has no soul! She seems like she would get offended very easily, because all vegetarians do, and because she travels all over the world and saves lives. I bet she listens to Sufjan Stevens. I don’t know, man. On paper, I want to have sex with her, but I just don’t know why everything she does seems to make me roll my eyes. It’s like when you know someone so well that you can predict what they’re going to say after you ask them a question, and when they actually say exactly what you’ve predicted, it just fucking pisses you off even more. Oh and she just got cast as the female lead in the upcoming Thor. Yeah — Thor, a Norse god who looks like Fabio who fights crime with a hammer... and magic! What’s got me ranting about her in the first place though is I just saw a trailer for Brothers, surely another mainstream clunker that will appeal to the Jodi Picoult demographic and continue to overrate her career, but even though I think she’s lame, the last twenty seconds of this trailer is just so surprisingly laugh-out-loud lollerskatin’ hilarious that I’m willing to forgive her for this one.