Etiquette
“DUDE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WALKING AWAY FROM ME?”
“I’m utterly embarrassed by you, Roy.”
“BUT DUDE! I HIT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT GOLF BALL! DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?!”
“What I saw was you tip-toeing up to the ball like you’re Fred Flintstone going bowling, and then launching it into the pond. You’re not Happy Gilmore, alright? I can’t even look at you right now.”
“DUDE, CUT ME SOME SLACK! THIS IS MY VERY FIRST TIME GOLFING! SO WHAT IF EVERYONE IS STARING AT US! SO WHAT IF I KEEP FORGETTING TO RAKE MY TRACKS AFTER GETTING OUT OF THE SAND TRAPS?! WHAT MATTERS IS WE’RE HAVING A BLAST!”
“I am so ashamed to be here right now. We’re pissing everyone off. And you really, really shouldn’t have hit that other guy’s golf ball a couple holes ago, by the way.”
“SO I’LL BUY HIM A NEW ONE.”
“Stop yelling.”
“BUT DUDE! THIS IS THE WAY I TALK!”
“You’re not Samuel L. Jackson, alright? And you really, really shouldn’t have drove off after I was in mid-swing. I don’t know if you noticed, but I shanked it and the ball landed right on top of the roof of the cart while you were driving, and rolled onto the fairway.”
“OH THAT’S WHAT THAT SOUND WAS. I THOUGHT AN EGG DROPPED OUT OF A NEST AND HIT OUR CART OR SOMETHING!”
“Wow.”
“DUDE, CHILL OUT! YOU’RE SUCH A SPAZ TODAY! WHAT HAS WORK DONE TO YOU? YOU’RE NOT THE SAME ANYMORE. YOU USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FUN AND GAMES, AND NOW YOU’RE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE THAT FAGGOT OVER THERE WEARING A PURPLE GAY PRIDE HAT IS GIVING US DIRTY LOOKS.”
“Roy, he’s wearing a Northwestern hat.”
“YEAH DUDE, AND HE’S PROBABLY PISSED BECAUSE HIS SMART BOYFRIEND AIN’T FUCKING HIM NO MORE!!!”
“This Felix/Oscar dynamic belongs on a sitcom, not on the golf course.”
“SERIOUSLY DUDE, GET OVER YOURSELF. I’VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO UPTIGHT. WE’RE GOLFING ON A SUNNY FRIDAY MORNING. JUST SLOW DOWN, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, SMELL THE GREENERY AROUND US. HOW CAN ANYONE BE STRESSED HERE?”
“Because we’re on the 8th of an 18-hole course, and we’ve just run out of golf balls. You hit my last one into the pond.”
“DUDE, FUCKING CRAP! WHAT DO WE DO NOW? SHOULD WE ASK THE FAGGOT FOR SOME SPARE GOLF BALLS?”
“Probably not, because he can hear everything you’re saying.”