Uptown

I ran 13 miles yesterday morning, but that was the easy part. The move was an exercise in horror. I mean, obviously. The bruises and lacerations, the shrill chaos, the sickly sweat, the heart palpitations, the loss of faith in any sort of higher being. "Don't worry bro," one of the movers said, "we are professionals." And then he violently flipped my 50-inch plasma onto his back and carried it. And there was also the overfilled moving truck looking like it was going to topple over every time it hit one of those insane, gaping potholes on Marine Drive every thirty seconds? And the relentless emasculation? And the despair, and the awfulness?

Okay. But it's over. Whatever shreds of dignity or self-respect I still had are now finally gone, but it's over. "It's over, man." Gently wrap a blanket around my shoulders as police sirens flash against my bloodied face.

And now I've got to get over the fact that I left Lakeview for this dumpy neighborhood. Sure, our new apartment looks great: high ceilings, granite and stainless steel in the kitchen, wooden floors, etc. But sacrificing my childhood dream of living minutes from Wrigley Field for the opportunity to piss my pants whenever I'm walking home from the Wilson Red Line stop at night? I don't know about this. I've now realized that whenever people describe a neighborhood as "exciting and diverse", it's really just a euphemism for "ghetto".

Come on Uptown, hurry up and gentrificate! Gentrificate!!