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My male perspective

"Okay, I need your opinion. I need your male perspective."

"I think I've explained this before."

"Just shut up."

"It's impossible for me to give general advice."

"Because you're such an individual."

"You were listening."

"Now you listen. I want to take the next step with Adrian."

"You know, that's the thing about unisex names. I totally thought Adrian was a woman for a long time."

"And that just drove you wild, I bet."

"Lesbians are things I see on TV. I've never seen one in nature."

"You've seen plenty."

"What do you mean, next step?"

"I mean turn it up a notch. I want to let him know that it's serious, I'm serious, let's get serious."

"My male perspective is getting uptight already."

"Now what's that supposed to mean?"

"Just tell me how you plan to go about this."

"Well that's what I need to ask you. Let's say, by some miracle, you're involved in a relationship."

"My head hurts."

"And let's say you've been with this girl for, say, two months."

"Yeah. Hypothetically."

"So two months. Things are great, you've moved through the bliss stage and now you've fallen in love with the little annoying things."

"Fallen in love?"

"You're getting ahead of me. Okay, everything's going nice and easy, and you're ready to take it to the next level."

"See, here's your problem. You see things in terms of levels. That's all too orderly. You should just let it flow from one thing to the next."

"We'll never get anywhere if I do that. This won't be laissez-faire. I want to sit him down and lay down the facts, you know? Slap it down, right there out in the open."

"'Adrian, I love you.'"

"'I love you.'"

"'I love you and what are you going to do about it?'"

"Basically."

"Don't you see the horror in an announcement like that?"

"No, I don't. I'm being honest. I'm not playing games. I hate when couples are all coy and it's like some big game of hide and seek."

"You say that and he'll high-tail it."

"Shut up."

"He'll bolt."

"You wouldn't want to hear I love you?"

"At this point, no."

"Why not? It's good news. It's what we all want."

"Sure. But if you sit him down... where was this going to take place? You have some plan in mind? Here, later on today? Over coffee?"

"I don't have a big plan. You make me sound so diabolical."

"Were you going to slip it into the conversation? Winging it doesn't sound like you."

"I figured I would know. Maybe during some quiet time."

"Day or night?"

"Night."

"Out or in?"

"At his place."

"I see hints of a plan!"

"He'd feel more comfortable there. We'd be watching TV or something."

"No TV. Stick to the quiet time. The TV could distract him. You can't say I love you during a Cubs game."

"If you knew how we were together, you wouldn't make such a big deal."

"You're the one making the big deal. And if you're so sure, why bother asking me about all this? I was happy and carefree."

"Role playing. 'Adrian, things have been going really great. I've been really really happy. I'm really glad we found each other.'"

"'Uh huh.'"

"He wouldn't say uh huh. Pretend you're sensitive and beautiful and you have your shit together."

"'Your skin shimmers in the moonlight.'"

"'And I just wanted to say, well, you're very important to me. And I love you, blah blah.'"

"Blah blah?"

"Well I feel dumb saying this to you. But just imagine Jessica Alba saying all that to you. You'd go nuts."

"It's making an issue out of everything. It's putting it all into words. But the bad part is you'll be forcing an answer out of him. It'll be this controlled experiment."

"He can say what he wants. That's the point. I'm being honest and I want him to be honest too."

"I've never met him, but I'm going to assume he's from this planet and if you say I love you he's going to have to say it back. Whether he's ready or not."

"There's this big thing in our way. I'm just getting it out of the way."

"Who kissed who first?"

"I kissed him."

"And this fiery sexual encounter you've discussed ad nauseam?"

"That was a joint decision."

"So it's his turn to do something big."

"I'll go crazy. I'll drag this relationship into hysteria."

"I have spoken."

"I'm going to see him right now. You're paying for this crap."

"You didn't even eat your muffin."