Liveblogging from Vegas

I'm off to Vegas for the next five days, but don't worry! Check back here, where I'll be offering frequent alcohol-delayed commentary on my doings and comings and goings that could not be expressed as effectively if I simply updated my Facebook status every two hours.

7/21, 2:48pm: Forgot to mention, as I emptied out my pockets before walking through the metal detector at the airports I discovered $30 in uncashed chips. Guess that means I'll have to return to Vegas so that they're not completely worthless. Next year!

7/21, 5:29am: At McCarran, anxiously waiting for our flight out of here. Fun weekend, but I'm ready to go home.

7/20, 8:10pm: I meant blackjack.

7/20, 8:08pm: Burning $160 feels great when it's foie gras, a porterhouse steak, and banana cream pie. Not so great when it's bj.

7/20, 11:14am: It's... raining outside?!

7/20, 9:51am: You know you've been in Vegas too long when instead of saying "No, thanks" to the bartender who's asking if you want another, you wave your hand over the table like you're standing in blackjack.

7/20, 9:34am: Having a Scotch at the bar at 9:30 in the morning. That's how bad things got at the blackjack tables last night.

7/20, 2:10am: For some reason I always get "busting a nut" mixed up with "popping a cap." Aaaanyway, that stripper is dead.

7/19, 11:25pm: Saw Aries Spears perform at the Improv at Harrah's, but stopped laughing when I realized he plagiarized some of his act from Russell Peters.

7/19, 2:39pm: New career idea as a scam caricaturist: Xerox big head with buck teeth, draw in hair, and if applicable, glasses.

7/19, 11:25am: I wouldn't be surprised if any minute now Larrballs got tapped on the shoulder by Laurence Fishburne, who says "Come with me," then drags him into a cavernous basement for questioning.

"You're counting cards, aren't you, scum?"

"What? No..."

"Then why did you double down on 12 and stand on 8??"

::sniff:: "I don't know! I don't know what I'm doing!"

::puts on brass knuckles, punches Larrballs::

"LIAR!!!!"

7/19, 10:21am: Larrballs doubled down on 12 and got a 9, dazzling everyone at our table. His net winnings so far this trip is $173. Me, I'm up $50.

7/19, 7:36am: What does it mean when you wake up from a dream about officiating a mudwrestling match between Bette Midler and Joy Behar from The View, and you totally can't tell them apart? I'm asking for a friend.

7/19, 2:07am: Larrballs, who repeatedly hits on 17 in Blackjack, is up $115. Meanwhile I'm trying to talk myself off this ledge.

7/18, 6:13pm: $185 for a deep-tissue massage I can understand, even though Heather looked more like an "Olga" to me, and breathed loudly like she was somehow snoring while awake... but $7 for a plastic bottle of Miller Lite???

7/18, 1:17pm: Watched The Dark Knight about an hour ago and I'm still dancing with the devil at the pale of moonlight. Best movie this decade, and Heath Ledger deserves a posthumous Oscar.

7/18, 9:20am: Saw former Illini guard Dee Brown at the McDonald's at the Palms Casino. He ordered an Egg McMuffin, gave the cashier a $20, and she held it into the light to make sure it wasn't a fake. I introduced myself to him as The Greatest Asian Basketball Player in the history of the universe, and he laughed. Then he took a picture with me! Heehee! I'm so giddy!

7/18, 1:14am: Stared longingly at a craps table at the Bellagio, then decided to play the slots for no good reason. Lost $15 in two minutes. Vegas draws first blood...

7/17, 8:44pm: In Denver, connecting to Vegas. Waiting for them to ask us to board. Our flight number is 187. Guess what Snoop lyric I'm going to sing right when we're taking off??