78 cents

I despise the deli that I frequent. They hide behind their perfunctory mom and pop shop visage, thinking that just because the menu is written in multicolored chalk we won't notice that they don't carry marble rye to go with their pastrami, or that you're pretty much rolling the dice every day on the roast beef, or that there's clearly a little tension between the husband and wife. But it's nearby so I go there all the time and I'm recognized as a regular even though they don't know my name so they refer to me as "Guy."

You know how everybody wants to be a regular somewhere? Where you just stroll on in and say "the usual" and you're met with something other than blank stares or eyerolls from someone with an exposed midriff? And it's this wistful nostalgic dream that we all share deep down? Well it's happened to me and let me tell you, the reality of the situation disappoints as always. Because it's not like: "The usual, sir? Coming right up!"

It's more like: "Oh let me guess. You want the same boring-ass sandwich you get every day. Wait, let me use my psychic powers to predict the bland, soulless meal you've selected for today. Oh don't worry, I won't put any peppers or mustard or anything with flavor on it. Heaven forbid you try one of the fucking specials I was up late last night inventing."

And so now I feel guilty about ordering my usual and make a big show of pondering the specials and once in a while buckle under and go for the shitty "Vince Vaughn" sandwich with cranberry sauce and deviled eggs or whatever.

The good news is that sometimes they'll reward my loyalty by offering me a free nasty amaretto flavored biscotti or, like last week, they'll spot me the 78 cents I don't have instead of making me sheepishly return my drink to the cooler or whatever. Except they didn't say "Hey man don't worry about it," they said: "You're in here all the time, just pay us back next time." And I'm all: Aww, ain't that nice! It's nice to be a regular and to have a healthy, happy relationship with a local food provider and WAIT YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME PAY BACK THAT MEASLY 78 CENTS?? YOU TWO-BIT MOTHERFUCKING SHIT MONKEY.

So I haven't gone back there yet. I'm thinking maybe I should never go back? Like it was this whole elaborate scam where I invested a year becoming a regular, slowly earning their trust, and then one fateful day I'm a little short on cash and I slip away scot-free and then move on to the next unsuspecting deli and spend that 78 cents on half a pickle or whatever that buys you these days.