4:45 pm

My coworker in the office right next to mine got all kinds of pregnant (totally not guilty -- everyone knows I shoot blanks) and then her doctor told her to stay home for the rest of her last trimester. We threw a mini going-away party for her on Friday. Then on Sunday I'm out driving, windows down, blasting that Li'l Wayne song about how you need to show your man your vagina when he gets home from work, and for a second I think I see my coworker, walking down the street, 100% unpregnant.

It wasn't her, of course, but it got me to thinking about engineering an elaborate scam where you pretend to be pregnant, announcing it to your coworkers, faking a glow via carefully applied makeup, wearing a fake belly that you bought from Spencers, etc. Then the sudden news where your fictional doctor orders you to stay in bed for the next three months, and then hell-o paid vacation city, USA. Then of course Phase II where you return to work with pictures of Suri Cruise or whoever and then have to hire some black market refugee to show up with you at company parties, but I think it'd all be worth it.

Yesterday one of the VPs was talking about shoe fashion and he made a reference to the movie Caddyshack by saying, "In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, loafer'." (He cleverly replaced "gopher" with "loafer".) And I was all: "Carl Spackler in the hizzie!!" And he was super impressed that I caught that reference. I mean it wasn't like: "High five! Way to feel me!" It was more like solemn awe. He sort of shook his head in wonder, deadly serious, slapping me on the shoulder and saying I was a "pro." This is good timing because I have another review coming up and evidently I still haven't done any of things I was hired to do.