Mailbag

Here are excerpts from the best fan/hate mail I've received in the last six months:

To: Pete Nguyen
From: Christian Astudillo
Date: Oct 15, 2007 11:22 AM
Subject: Ill Noise

I have been reading your site for a few months now and am emailing you because I think you went too far. I didn't think your last post about the elderly was "funny" at all. How would you feel if someone made fun of you for something you can't control? Such as your last name Nguyen, what kind of messed up last name is that? See what I mean?

Christian, I could only wish I had yours, which seems to be a winning combination of three factors:

1. Astute
2. A stud
3. Armadillo

so, i just had to tell you that you are an amazzing person. i realize i don't know you, but i couldn't NOT tell you... i was determined. haha i hope i get a reply from you, and not some automated thing... cuz then i'd be pissed, but then i'd think, "yeah, you'd probably be someone who'd do something like this..." and then i'd be okay with it....

but yeah... that's really all i have to say right now, so i'm a go read some more of your crazy crap on ill~noise...

a good day to you SIR.....

.....look, that's just what i was told... sorry ma'am... yes ma'am... i'll get right on that.....

a good day to you madam....

hahaHA! put that in your juice~box and suck it!

you're amazing, good bye.

~~Mallory

PS--- i'm not a stalker.

Mallory, I believe you when you say you're not a stalker. However, you definitely have schizophrenia. At least you're not as terrifying as Kade, who says:

First I must appologized for I am sounding scary but I laugh and I laugh alone when I read it your site. ha ha ha
Sometime when I am near falling asleep I think about what you write. I laugh and I laugh myself asleep into dreams. =)

Something tells me Kade doesn't speak English as a first language.

Brian N. says:

Being a resident of Chicago in my early-mid twenties, if feels me with a good feeling to stumble onto a somewhat undiscovered comedic genius of my city, so I wanted to give you your 'props,' even though you're not a black youth on the streets of Harlem.

I think the lineage makes sense: Richard Pryor, then Eddie Murphy, then Chris Rock, then Pete Nguyen.

Here's one from Charlie:

You've developed a very odd fondness for commas lately. Stop that.

I'm sorry, for my, comma, abuse. I must sound like, that little, black kid, from Malcolm, in the Middle, who is always, out of, breath.

Here's Amar, who, like the rest of America in their search for the other Pete Nguyen, has come across a case of mistaken identity:

Hi Peter, I live in G**** R****, WY and i was just wondering if you stayed in The ******** Inn Motel in room 18 on Friday, September 21st and checked out on Monday, September 24th. My dad actually owns that motel and i was going through the guest list and I came upon your name. Are you the one that wrote those infamous essays to Mr. Farlow? Sorry if i freaked you out or offended you or anything but I was just really really curious.

Amar, it wasn't me, and it probably wasn't the other Peter Nguyen that you're looking for, so quit sniffing the bedsheets from Room 18 for goodness sakes.

Karyn says:

I'm damn serious here... If you quit this blog, then you just a sorry lazy motherfucking bitch. Wipe that yellow puddle around your feet.

Wow. That was way too gangsta for your name to be Karyn.

This email is from Ben:

Sorry to say but you are not the greatest Asian of all time. I look at your photos on your Flickr feed all the time. I do not see a single Asian friend. Hmm? You don't seem to associate with true real Asians or even acknowledge your heritage in your blogs. Just ignorance. Anything you have written about Asians were jokes. You are so white washed its embarrassing. A disgrace.

So in other words, I'm like the Vietnamese Carlton Banks from Fresh Prince. That's not the worst thing to be. Dude can dance.