Flush

So I saunter into one of the bathroom stalls and notice that there's still pee in the bowl. For a second I consider moving to the next stall but that would be a middle stall, and who wants a middle stall? So I go ahead and turn the handle on the toilet and it rumbles into this hearty, industrial-strength flush, the kind you can only get in office buildings or airports.

I admire its thoroughness.

Thing is, the toilet never stops flushing. It just keeps churning, the water eddying in circles. And I'm standing there waiting for it to wrap things up BUT IT WON'T STOP.

This roaring flush is locked in an endless loop.

So, of course, I'm standing there, frozen in terror, unsure of what exactly to do. There's at least one other guy in the bathroom, probably snickering at my mistake of flushing The Toilet That Everyone Knows Is Broken (why else would the previous user just leave his pee in there). Do I move begrudgingly to the middle stall? Do I leave and maybe try again tomorrow?

But Burrito Beach is what I had for lunch, so I'm all, whatever, let's do this. And I sit right down on the flushing commode and get down to business. The result: best shit I ever took at work.

Check it:

• The perpetual flushing provides a soothing level of white noise, covering up all other bathroom-related sounds. This puts the user at ease, minimizing embarrassment and even providing encouragement.
• All waste product is immediately whisked away, as if it were never there to begin with. This makes the user feel like a being of pure light, above the petty concerns of ordinary men. Special bonus: Hardly any time for stink to escape.
• The splashback mimics the refreshing sensation of a bidet.

• The decadent waste of water makes the user feel like a member of a royal family or chairman of some powerful board of directors. The user may find himself engorged with a sense of entitlement, and think less fondly of his loved ones, who suddenly seem uncivilized.

I was in there for like a half hour. The thing was still flushing when I finally left. I felt dapper and confident. I felt like a man who could crush the whole world in his mighty fist.