Fornication
Minutes before the bridal party introduction, before my inevitable best man speech, Phil saw me gulping my whiskey and pacing around the hallway like a madman and doing whatever else I could to stop myself from hyperventilating.
"Relax, Pete... Just do what you do," is what he told me. "Just knock 'em all dead out there."
But I wasn't completely sure if I could.
When Phil first asked me to be his best man last winter, not only was I deeply honored, I was deeply impatient. The first draft of the speech was written one Sunday night way back in March, and I'd spend the following seven months tweaking it whenever new ideas popped into my head. Why try so hard? Because I saw my speech as a symbol of our friendship. If I wrote anything run-of-the-mill that people would only politely laugh at, it would be like I never cared.
The thing about revising something over and over, however, is that after a while, you get sick of it. By early October, I had read my speech so many times that I wasn't sure if there was even a single funny joke in it at all. It also didn't help that, all week, every single conversation I had with friends attending the wedding involved some mention of my anticipated speech. That kind of pressure and hype turned what was once excitement and enthusiasm into dread and self-doubt.
Seriously, just as we lined up for our introduction, I briefly considered doing what I used to do at weddings as a child when I wanted to avoid being pulled out onto the dance floor by pushy aunts: going to the men's bathroom and not returning for the rest of the night. Thing is, it wasn't that I was nervous about public speaking. Not at all. I just very, very badly wanted to give a memorable speech. I didn't want to let Phil down.
Well, it's a good thing that glasses of whiskey during the cocktail hour always have a way of taking effect at the most opportune times. Because, I ended up giving a performance of a lifetime.
The fun began about three or four lines into my speech, when I woke everyone up by saying, "Fornication."
There was uncomfortable laughter and gasps and jaws dropped in horror. My friends in the room, the ones that know me too well, they all cringed, unsure of what I was going to say next.
"'Scuse me," I said, a beat later. "For an occasion, such as this..."
And then the room just went absolutely fucking nuts.
The rest is history. Everyone laughed really hard as I continued on with the rest of my speech, Phil's face blushed redder than I'd ever seen it, the wedding DJ was all, "Wow, this is becoming the Pete Nguyen show," and all night, it'd take forever for me to make my way towards the open bar because people kept stopping me to shake my hand and say, "I've been to a lot of weddings, and that was the greatest wedding speech I have ever heard."
Not to toot my own horn or anything.
But the opinion that mattered the most was Phil's, and when we executed the handshake-then-lean-in-for-a-half-hug move at the end of the night, I misunderstood what he said to me at first.
I'd thought he said, "Pete, you're the best man."
But what he really said was, "Pete, you're the best, man."
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25 Comments
Is this going to be on video?
Awwww you've been friends for sooo long too.. I wish I was friends with Phil so I could have been there for the wedding to see that speech!
Your best man speech was excellent, you really do know my son. I've probably been to a hundred weddings and your speech was by far the best. I'm just sorry it put so much pressure on you. Pete, you are the best!
Great speech Pete, and great wedding Phil and Krissy! Jackie and I enjoyed ourselves very much. Again, congratulations!
...Either Phil is really tall, or you are really short.
Great speech Pete!! Defintitely kept our attention!
If you are a funny person IRL, you will be funny when you write. You were funny. You got everyone's attention with your opening word. You rank in my top three toasts. The first being the one my youngest son gave for his older brother.
I can relate to the part where you said when you were younger you used to hide in the mens room to avoid dancing. I used to do that...still do.
Do you have a transcript of the speech? You should post that. If it's anything like some of the blogs you've written before I'm sure it was hilariously written.
You're speech was amazing like I knew it would be. Definitely the best speech ever. Good seeing you at the wedding, Petey.
If you were nervous you didn't show it. You really worked the audience and you brought the reception off to a great start. I couldn't imagine Phil turning any redder than he did, especially with all those jokes about his height you kept making.
Open bar has saved many weddings...and destroyed many weddings, ha.
being nervous for a speech is mostly all mental. with all the pressure you put onto yourself, im surprised you were able to calm yourself down in time. whiskey must really work.
classic speech......might be usable some day
I do public speaking all the time but its a whole different animal when you are at a wedding reception, knowing the speech will be remembered and all those people you know watching you. Kudos to you for making it a success.
All I got to say is Phil picked the right guy for best man. Of course you were going to do a good job, what were you worried about? You're Peter Michael Nguyen, one of the most clever and charismatic people I know! And he's one of your best friends too so there was no way it could turn out bad if it came from the heart.
Great job!
awww - I'm so glad it went well!!!
Wow, you must feel such a sense of accomplishment after worrying so much. An icebreaker can work both ways-not only does it help the audience get into it, but it helps you relax too.
Congratulations to Phil and Krissy!
Hey good job! I'm proud of you! CONGRATS PHIL AND KRISSY!!
Congrats Krissy! You got one hell of a good guy!!!
Pete, you are the best! Man!
Hey man, thanks again. I'm back in the USA (Florida, waiting for my flight), and just got to read this post.
Yes this was captured on video. When I get my video I'll get ya the footage. :)
Yea, you going to post the script? I think it'd be cool to see again.
You should change your masthead image to a picture of you actually doing stand-up (or a speech) at my wedding;)
It's cool to see a few of my family members got to see this post too. You must've included a ill-noise.com bit in it that I don't remember;) Ha, I'll link to this on www.krissyandphil.com too:)
…Yes, Pete is just that short!
Anyways, thanks again!
Your speech was fantastic. You did not even look nervous. Ever think of taking up public speaking? Great comments about both bride and groom. It's like you know them or something!! Good job Pete.