Emergency stand up comedy routine

Believe it or not, my biggest fear is being thrust onto a stage and forced to improv a stand up comedy routine. The thought is so terrifying that I've assembled a routine and printed it out in an ultra-small font which I now keep folded up in my wallet for emergencies. I've included the content in its entirety for your reference, below.

...

[Wait for applause to die down]

[Say the following in a deaf person's slurred voice, accompanying myself with sign language] Hi everyone. My name is Pete. I know, I know, I told the barber to make me look like Tom Cruise, not Tom from MySpace!

[Return to normal voice] I'm not really deaf. So I'm in my motel room, right, practicing my routine for tonight, and I realize I forgot to bring my prop microphone with me. My prop microphone looks just like a real one only there's no cord and it's made out of chocolate. It was a present from my Uncle Moe back when I first started out.

Uncle Moe, get a load of this guy. He's a big, big Bill Pullman fan, and who wouldn't be? Imagine if they'd cast Bill Pullman instead of Bill Bixby as The Incredible Hulk. First off, that show would still be on the air because the ratings would be through the roof, but second off, it would go a little something like this.

[Turn away from audience, rip open shirt, then return to face them] AHHHHHRRRRR!!!

I suppose you noticed the tattoo on my chest just then. I know, I know, I told the tattoo guy to draw a yin yang, not a swastika. You think having a swastika on my chest might spoil the mood when some hot chick is ripping my shirt off, but the hot chicks I go out with are all blind.

Which reminds me, did you hear about the guy who was having sex with a blind girl and as she ran her hands across his back, she realized the pimples there spelled out a message in Braille that said "How's my fucking? Call me at Bill Pullman's"?

Now you must ask yourself... [find agreeable audience member] What's your name buddy? [name here]? Where you from, [name here]? No kidding. You know Uncle Moe? When you see him, you tell him for me that if he buys a present for someone that he wanted for himself, you tell him that next time he should buy two -- one for him and one for the intended recipient, because he obviously can't control his chocolate cravings even for one minute, and I'm talking about the minute between the time the intended recipient opens the gift and the time Uncle Moe grabs it and pretends to be Bill Pullman but then he gets too close to the gift and [make quotation marks with fingers] "accidentally" licks it and then takes a big bite!

Yeah, so I'm in my motel room, right, practicing my routine for tonight, and there's a knock at my door. I open it up and it's none other than my barber. And he screams, "You are giving me a bad name in your act. I cut your hair exactly how you told me." And I say, "I don't use your name in the show, Ray. So no one will ever know." And Ray of Ray's Barber Shop on 2284 Old Chesterfield Road in Naperville, Illinois, (630) 841-1027, says, "You're right. I'm sorry for bothering you." And I say, "Sorry's not good enough, old man. You better give me a joke I can use in my act!" And all I do is create the illusion of myself turning green and very muscular and violent, and this [quotation marks again] "tough guy" starts crying and says, "W-w-why don't blind people like to skydive?"

[Five-minute pause]

[Howling] Because it scares the dog!!!

[Fling the microphone down, kiss two fingers, stomp offstage]