Winning Mom back

My dad's out of the country again on business and my mom's been nursing an ankle she sprained during her tai chi class, so on a whim this morning I drove out to my parents' house to mow their lawn. An A for the intent, but, story of my life, a D- on planning and execution, because it rained all day.

"Why you comes heres todays?" my mom asked. "On Weathers Channel I sees big greens clouds covers the entires northern Illinois. Aiyya. My stupids son."

There are three things I can do to make my mom get testy around me: 1) correct her grammar, 2) sing a System of a Down song around her in a quivering Adam Sandler voice, in which case she'll do more than get testy, she'll backhand me across the face and tell me to shut up, and yes this once happened! and 3) not call or visit home for a while.

Since I've committed #3, I had my work cut out for me today to win her back.

First, I tried to cheerfully sweet-talk her: "Hey Mom! You know, it's a blessing in disguise that I'm rained out of mowing the lawn today, because that just gives me more time to spend with you. And by the way, you look like you've lost weight! Those tai chi classes work!"

Her response: "Whats, you sayings I was a fat-ass befores??"

So then I made breakfast for her: eggs, potatoes, foie gras, and bagels.

Her response: "You knows I haves to watch my proteins contents because of my medicals condition. Why you makes eggs? You tryings to kills your mothers??"

So then I told her how I came within three points of passing my actuarial practice exam, which was actually very good -- it was the highest score in my group.

Her response: "Aiyya. My stupids son."

So then I tried to make her laugh: "Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong."

Her response: "You and your fathers thinks you ares comedians, BUT YOU'RE NOTS FUNNIES! I ONLY LAUGHS TO FEEDS YOUR EGOS! All you do is makes bad jokes. You haven't even asked abouts my ankles! Hmmph!"

It was a lost cause. My mom had already made up her mind that she was going to hate me for the rest of the day, and perhaps longer. Exasperated, I finally told my mom that I was going to be an extra in the new Batman movie.

Her response: "...You ares?"

"Yeah Mom, they're filming downtown. It's going to be this weekend and I have to get up at 3 AM to do it."

"...Really? You're nots makings this up?"

"I pinky swear. Your very own son is going to be an extra in The Dark Knight."

"...You're goings to be famous?"

"Probably not. But if they don't edit me out, then a year from now, I'm going to be here in this living room, doing a freeze frame on the DVD and pointing myself out in the movie."

"Oh my goodnesses! Wow! Why they lets you do it? You're a horribles actors. It's okays. Just makes sure to shaves. You looks like a womanizers when you have stubbles."

"Will do, Mom. And who knows, maybe I can talk my way into being one of the Joker's silent henchmen."

"...Oh my goodnesses! I am goings to calls all my sisters and tell them!!! My boy! I loves you, Peter, and I'm so proud of you!"

"Yeah? Even more than Lynn?"

Her response: "Yes."