Lessons learned from Larrballs' birthday

I feel very strongly that 9:30 PM is way too early in the evening for the bar's DJ to be playing "Living on a Prayer". I feel like it's a wanton act of desperation. Lesson learned: don't go to Sluggers.

No amount of free alcohol supplied by all of the Birthday Boy's buddies are as good as talking to a female. Lesson learned: only invite platonic female friends. Your buddy will be sober, but at least he won't be miserable.

Larrballs macked it with some Rachael Ray lookalike for most of the night, but then when they were on the dance floor grinding to the techno remix of some Olivia Newton-John song, one of her friends pulled her away, delivering to Larrballs the agonizing "let's go to the bathroom and then disappear for the rest of the night" exit strategy that chicks do. Lesson learned: take it from a Spice Girl, who once said: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." If you really really really wanna zigazig ha, then you'll talk to her friends and win their approval.

I got dragged out onto the dance floor too, but wasn't sure how exactly to dance to the techno remix of that Olivia Newton-John song, so I just put both hands in my pockets and nodded my head frequently and aggressively. Lesson learned: when in doubt, do a hoedown.

Scott, Greg and Lamont finally showed up, but they were soaked in sweat from the mile they had to walk to get to the bar. Lesson learned: just direct your suburbanite friends to the nearest parking garage, where it's more convenient. They already think that everything in the city costs their entire life savings, so if they actually drove out, they won't mind spending another fifteen bucks not to parallel park.

Dueling pianos are kind of a fun-the-first-time thing. After that, they're very overrated, no matter how much you love Billy Joel. Lesson learned: don't go to Sluggers.

Everyone stopped by my apartment for a bit afterwards to sober up before driving home. Lamont cracked me up when he was watching my TV and all like, "She ain't even eating her out for real! She just be licking her bellybutton." Lesson learned: upgrade your cable service so that it offers more than softcore porn.

I'll cut to the chase on this one. Lesson learned: no more Bacci pizza.

I have an affinity for dark spirits. Not as in ghosts, but as in tequila and whiskey. The only thing is they supposedly give the worst hangovers, which I can vouch for because it's been 36 hours since Larrrballs' birthday and I still can't shake off my vertigo. Breakfast was disgusting this morning and I can barely have conversations with people without holding my forehead and grimacing. Oh well. Fun times are always had, even a couple days later, when it's a good friend's birthday. Lesson learned: none.