Inspiration
Sometimes I feel like I'm not the writer I should be. A lot of my friends think it's a sure shot that I'll one day be published and proud, but I always worry that my life will have passed by and I'll have never even had a submittable manuscript completed.
Remember that screenplay I was working on? The one about the Cubs. I had to take a break from that project, because it turns out one of the oldest adages of writing is actually true: No conflict? No story.
So I've revisited my novel. The one I've thought about every day of my life for the past two years. It's going to be called Sea of Tranquility. I'm naming it after the valley on the moon that the astronauts landed on in 1969. I've got big plans for this story, and if I'm lucky enough to find the right words to tell it, I think it could be something special.
Thing is, I don't have much actually written. Maybe 10 pages. All I have are a couple years worth of notes scribbled onto scrap pieces of paper that I've kept in a shoe box.
I'm not one of those typical writers who sip from coffee mugs all afternoon while their cigarette balances on the edge of the ashtray as their fingers rattle the keyboard. I'm an idea jotter. What I do is I dump my shoe box of notes onto the floor and sift through the best thoughts. Followed by a whole lot of staring at the computer screen. A blank MS Word document. A blinking insertion point.
I do everything I can to get myself to write. I clean my desk. I have a beer. I play all of my favorite progressive folk bands. Sufjan Stevens. The Decemberists. I play Neutral Milk Hotel. I play every cover of Radiohead's Creep known in existence. Damien Rice's cover. Pearl Jam's. Muse's. Korn's. Tears for Fears'. The Pretenders'.
And even with that, I can't get myself to write the story of my dreams.
I know about all the remedies. How John Keats would stop and get dressed in his best clothes. How Stephen King was a shower thinker. How Ernest Hemingway got really wasted, then waited until his next sober moment.
But it's no use, because I've already figured myself out. It's not writer's block.
It's fear.
The reason I sit idly, not doing anything? It's because I don't want to screw up. I don't want to ruin anything.
The story of my dreams is right there in front of me, staring me in the face, but I'm too intimidated to do anything about it.
People are always a little surprised about how passionate I am. How -- in my life of risk assessment, ESPN, Taco Bell chalupas, and partying with friends -- that I'm able to even carve out the time to worry about this shit. They're like, Pete, is that really you? You're too loosey-goosey to be a tortured writer.
The truth is, I'm a bit embarrassed talking about it because it's impossible not to sound silly and pretentious and puerile. The truth is I "work" on my projects when I can't sleep at night, when no one's looking.
Will I ever complete Sea of Tranquility? Who knows. But I'm starting to realize now that the book will never write itself, and that I'm thinking way too much and doing too little.
I was talking to one of my writer friends yesterday, complaining that I can't seem to put the words on paper, and he gave me the best pep talk ever.
He said, plain and simple, "Pete, don't be a pussy. Just fuckin' do it."
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24 Comments
That's confusing, because you're such a prolific blogger? Treat your novel the same way you treat your blog and you should be fine.
Dude...in all the years I've known you since high school, you've always pretended to be a "slacker" or "underachiever"...when in fact I would say you are the most driven person I know, or at least in the top 2.
I don't worry at all that you won't be able to complete a novel. Just take your time with it, do it the right way. Don't rush it.
On another note, you have really bad taste in music. Decembrists???
that title for your book sounds very interesting
Did you listen to scarling.'s cover of Creep? Maybe you're just not covering all bases.
Chris, blogging is different than working on my novel because blogging's more free writing than anything -- just me making a quick observation about something, or me bitching about the Cubs, or whatever.
Tom, I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear you diss The Decemberists.
And Alan, I've heard their cover of Creep, and it's a good rendition.
The fear of starting up something is understandable. But one would think that by just writing whatever comes to mind it puts you in a better position than by trying to get it right the first time around. You can always go back to edit and make it better.
However, I think your fear isn't of making a mistake, but of writing something and not meeting your expectations.
I face a similar type of fear when working on large programming jobs. I fear going about coding something that somewhere down the line is going to have massive negative consequences and require weeks of refactoring, or worse, something that a peer is going to see and scream WTF! It's not uncommon for me to just stare at a text editor for hours going over in my head a handful of possible solutions, debating the pro's and con's of each and always worrying if there's a solution I'm not even considering.
My advice: if you're stuck, just write down the best thing you got at that moment, and if you're still not satisfied, continue to revisit and revise. The sense of accomplishment from pounding something out will give you the confidence to take on bigger challenges. Most importantly for me, just typing sometimes can get me "in the zone". I'm not sure how well that will translate to your situation, but that's my $0.02.
This really hit home for me because it can be applied to lots of things in life. I think it's normal to be scared to take that "first step" towards something so important to you. But eventually you know you have to do it.
Let me just say this... I think your reluctance to begin it says a lot about the respect you have for your book, and how special you think it is going to be. While you may not think that's productive, I can see that your heart is in the right place.
Good for you, Pete.
One more thing... I love the title you came up with. Is your book going to be sci-fi?
uhhh dude, I thought you were into rap music, which was bad enough, and now you are talking about indie music that puts people to sleep.
I do share your love of Beastie Boys however.
Thanks for that insight, Felecia. I think you're onto something...
John, I'm glad I never went into the IT profession because I was never quite the same after CSCI 360. Assembly broke my heart. :)
Greg, it's not sci-fi.
Tom, I listen to rap music when I drive (actually I don't anymore, because WGCI sucks, and who can resist all the Stevie Wonder hits you can get at 100.3 LOVE fm?) but most of the time I listen to indie rock bands with lead singers who use a lot of falsetto.
And, yes, the Beastie Boys are awesome.
I share your love of Taco Bell chalupas.
Well for someone who dismisses your blogging as merely "free writing" you seem to put the same effort on some of these posts (like this one) like you are trying to win the Pulitzer.
Loving the use of "pretentious" and "puerile" in the same sentence.
If you think reverse psychology might help, let me know cause I'd have fun trying. I'll prepare a bunch of anti-pep cliches just in case you take me up on the offer.
I understand completely. But life is about falling short, repeatedly, then finding a way over an obstacle. You can't avoid growing pains.
I'm still of the opinion that you should take the very best articles in your archive and just publish them into a collection of stories in a book. I think that would sell, and it would be easy too...just copy and paste!
That would definitely get rid of first novel jitters.
Will, supreme beef Taco Bell chalupas with green sauce is what I like to call heaven wrapped in deep-fried flatbread.
Chris, thanks. Using "pretentious" and "puerile" in the same sentence will get me there for sure.
And by the way Tash, that made me chuckle. I actually wouldn't mind a list of anti-pep cliches, because I want to see if anything is a bigger slap-in-the-face reality check than being called a pussy.
Arvind, thanks for coming up with three different fortune cookie fortunes in one comment.
Cheryl, if I wanted to be lazy and recycle all of my already-written material to be published in a shallowly conceived book, I'd ask that you start referring to me as Bill Maher.
I agree with Chris's first comment. I think if you take the attitude with your novel like youre just going to write the ordinary blog of the day, you would be able to get a lot done.
You are right, people underestimate exactly how much you love to write. I don't think you should be embarrassed of it though. You should be proud of your gift to see things more differently/creatively than other people and be able to write about it in a way thats interesting. Nothing silly about that. It WOULD however be silly to one day quit your day job over this ;)
Just kidding.
I think all of your blogs in one book would be awesome. You already have about 30 people whod buy it from your site, word of mouth would spread and before you know it, you are reaching an all new audience who would be salivating for an original novel from you.
Performance anxiety affects me when I try to blog; I couldn't even imagine trying my hand at a novel. Sometimes I sit at my computer wanting to blog about something, but having nothing to write about. So you should feel fortunate that you're able to blog whenever you want.
Just thought of something Pete. What if Kanye West did a rap version of Creep? Would that make you cry tears of joy?
It would make me bleed tears of pain.
I'll do you one better. No cliches. I present you with the following insults, tailored specifically to your needs...
First, why even consider the homespun remedies to writer's block used by the messieurs Keats, King, and Hemingway? That implies a kinship to them, which is an arrogant and deplorable presumption. A consumptive poet, a maestro of suspense, and an American literary legend you are not.
And forget the suggestions of compiling your blog entries into a book of essays. You are not David Sedaris. You have not held nearly as many, if any, odd jobs. You do not live in a little village in France. You have never hitchhiked across the country. You are not homosexual (yes, we hear you loud and clear). You lack the insight to human experience that is imbrued even in his most sparkling texts. Seriously...what's behind your friends powdering you up and suggesting that your blog outputs are good enough for that? They owe you money or something?
And what's with giving a title to a bunch of ideas in a shoebox. That is akin to naming your unborn baby boy "Butch." It would be folly to assume he will grow up to be. And "Sea of Tranquility"...really? Sounds more like a post-orgasmic state of mind than the next great literary masterpiece. There will be a slew of irate women when they find halfway through that there will be no bodice ripping after all.
I wish people would stop treating you like the sun shone out of your pasty rear. Propping you up like a rag doll isn't nearly as good a method of providing you with a working spine as ramming a stick up your ass.
And I didn't even break a sweat.
Cheers.
::Chuckle that turns into maniacal laughter that turns into coughing that turns into sobbing.::