Pai Mei's Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique

(I keep trying to tell my mom that the Chinese kung fu master that we keep taking my grandpa to for his leg problems can't walk on water, but she'll have none of it.)

MOM: He's can do everythings. Mends bones, cures arthritis, burns tumors aways.

ME: Uh, sure he can. Listen. I found something on the internet last night. The dude doesn't even use kung fu. He uses a technique called Tui na.

MOM: Ah hah yes. He's channels his life forces from himself into Grandpas. That's hows Grandpas was able to walks withouts a canes last weeks.

ME: Mom, all that man does is rub acupressure points which correspond to the parasympathetic nervous system. It's all explainable by Western medicine.

MOM: No! He's usings ancients kung fus powers. I saw the eagle claws grips myselfs!

ME: Listen to yourself. You sound crazy. If your so-called kung fu master is the real deal, then why did Grandpa start feeling pain in his legs again after a few days?

MOM: We just needs to gives the kung fu master more moneys, then it will works permanentlys.

ME: ...Wow. It's a good thing L. Ron Hubbard never got a hold of you.

MOM: Whats?

ME: Never mind.

MOM: You tells me, Mr. Smarties Pants, how was Grandpas ables to walks agains last weeks?

ME: Like I told you. Acupressure points. That, or it was a placebo response. You know what a placebo is, right?

MOM: Yes, of courses. I wanted your fathers to builds ones in the backyards for manys years, but he's a lazies bastards.

ME: Mom, no, you're thinking of a gazebo.

MOM: Whats?

ME: Never mind.

MOM: I am thinkings of going to the master next weeks to cures my kidneys problems.

ME: Jiminy Christmas...

MOM: Don'ts do thats, Peters. Don'ts talks to me like you'res smarters than me. I'm you're mothers, for Buddha's sakes! And I'ms not crazys. I am a high-rankings executives at a banks! I am educateds! I am not crazys!!!

ME: This coming from a woman who pluralizes every noun, verb, and preposition.

MOM: Whats?

ME: Never mind.