Glass slipper
It hits me harder every time I receive a wedding invitation in the mail, or whenever I third wheel it at a bar with a couple and they're ready to go home at 11:30 pm (most likely they're just eager to have sex). My single friends are dropping like flies, and as I've written before on this site, I'm terrified about one day being the creepy 40-year-old single guy of the group. Being a middle-aged man with an extensive DVD collection is the male equivalent to being a cat lady, and that's the path I'm headed towards if I don't do something quick.
Don't get me wrong (and everyone always does), this isn't particularly about wanting a girlfriend or feeling lonely. This is about being the Last of the Brohicans and having my Saturday night partying options dwindle with each passing month.
So. The obvious solution, plain and simple, is to get a girlfriend, or at least be more open to dating. It's been a year and a half now since I've dated anyone, which means it's been a year and a half of people bugging the shit out of me about my singleness.
Where do I go from here? Who knows. I've never been a bona fide ladies man, possibly because I've never put forth the effort, but more likely because I'm the Asian George Costanza -- not a good thing when you're trying to be smooth. Like the time I went out boozing with a buddy, picked up two girls, and headed to another bar with them... only to have it all ruined when I got stuck sitting shotgun in the cab and had to awkwardly kick game to a girl in the back seat through the money slot in the glass partition.
Not that being smooth is all it takes, either. Women are harder to read than they've ever been in history, and I blame technology for this. While some guys think text messaging has revolutionized hitting on girls, I hate when a girl texts "i'm with my bf" and you have no idea if she means "best friend" or "boyfriend."
Also, a lot of my friends are from the suburbs, which means they want to have the time of their lives whenever they come visit me in Chicago, which means I go to clubs a lot more than I'd like to. Trust me, it's damn near impossible to have an intelligent conversation with a girl during, of all hellish things, the techno remix of "California Dreaming" by The Mamas & the Papas. It's also impossible to impress any chicks by doing the "rock papers scissors" dance move that Dave and I do together whenever Sean Paul's "Temperature" comes on (but it's so fun and easy to do; just play "rock papers scissors" to the beat of this song and you're sure to draw a crowd of amused spectators).
Ultimately, I think I'll just continue on with my "waiting for a happy accident" philosophy, only this time around I have a glass slipper in mind: a gal who is good at crossword puzzles. I figure if she can fill up most of a Sunday's edition New York Times puzzle, then she's interesting and smart enough for me to want to leave the bars with at 11:30 pm.
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25 Comments
great post! your observations are so cute =)
Oh whatever Pete.
You aren't the dork you try to play yourself up to be. Just because you dont hit on waitresses doesn't mean you don't have "game." You're one of the nicest and most thoughtful guys I've known. Everyone sees this too! The reason you are single is because you're such a great catch and too good for most girls.
I LOVE the crossword puzzle idea. Does Sudoku count? Just kidding... (I'm married everyone!)
Asian George Constanza? I can see that, haha.
Something tells me that if you continue that paper scissors rock dance you will be doing your prostate cancer prevention remedy for the rest of your life.
I've had awkward moments trying to picking up girls before too but thats because I cant resist using pickup lines.
Like this one...
Did you grow up on a farm
No why?
Because, you sure know how to raise a cock
I would like to give Alan the rating of 'solid gold' on that one
I enjoyed this blog. I can relate to a lot of it, especially the text messaging. You know what I really hate though? When I am texting a girl and when my cell phone has bad signal so I can't tell if it went through. So I click send about 10 times, then the girl ends up thinking I'm a psycho because of all the texts she got from me. :(
Hehe, goddamn, just wondered on your blog after pissing myself reading some of your material (how you finished school, I dunno. probably like me...)
Anyway, what a post did I blunder in. Know how you feel, yeees I do. I always looked on this as that ''glass half full'' stuff. When you'll be 40, you can still get a 20 year old, hehe
ps
did you notice how the women comments were like ''nooooo, thats not trueeee. Kinda reminds me of all my women friends, that are ofcoarse married or taken. Still waiting for a single one to say something like that:)
I dunno, maby this will help ;)
Top 10 things men should never say to a woman
10. You know, I've always found your mum really attractive, should we ask her to join us?
9. You know, I've always found your dad really attractive, should we ask him to join us?
8. It's not the trousers that make your bum look big, it's your fat.
7. Why do you want to get a job darling? There's plenty for you to do at home.
6. Happy birthday, I got you a new vacuum cleaner with a bigger head because you've missed some bits on the floor recently.
5. Surprise! I got us a maid.
4. Can you go and put some clothes on, I'm trying to eat.
3. Is it supposed to look like that? My ex-girlfriend's never had that bit on it.
2. Pull my finger.
And the number one thing that a man should never say to any woman unless he can see a baby's head poking out of her at that moment in time...
1. Are you pregnant?
You know I can totally relate to this, Pete. My Fridays and Saturdays consist of me tagging along with my coupled friends or staying home because I don't want to put myself through that. I'm just waiting for the day when you and I can finally get married like we planned...only about 4 more years. :)
You're in a great position Pete...half of your female readers it seems have secret crushes on you. You brilliant fucking bastard. If I poked fun at myself every day for 3 years maybe girls would be all over me too ;)
That's an unfortunate criteria for a gf. Girls that are good at crossword puzzles, in my experience, are fugly.
I suck at crossword puzzles!!!
I agree with Pete. If the girl can't even fill out crossword puzzles, what good is she? ..At all. To society. To Anyone. (Should she kill herself?)
A certain modicum of intelligence is needed to validate the title of "human" (vs. chimpanzee)
To comment at Caleb's post:
True. There is a direct inverse relationship between xword proficiency and beauty... but not always. (But mostly.)
If the xword was about brit spears' latest hairdo, or perhaps what color panties Lohan chose to display for the paps, then many girls can fill them out.
However, my point is proven wrong by Pete's explicit declaration that the xword puzzle to be solved must be from the NY times. Even though he's from the midwest. But still, rubrics must be designed and adhered to.
Don't you hate pants?
Pete I think you're main problem is that you don't try to talk to girls. When you're out, I've never seen you even look at a girl outside of your group. I have a fantastic idea! How about I come out there and we go to ESPN Zone....the low-maintenance, Cub-loving girls are always there!
You mean all the dirt-ball, WT 'tourists' from Joilet, as well Chicago's finest residents from across the 'Southern Segregation Barrier' are at ESPN Zone...
That being said, although you can always put yourself out there more, I always see you talk to at least _some_ girls when we are out. However, usually when you are out with me, its mostly dudes with us, so perhaps its easier. I just didnt want your readers to think that the 'Global Warming Consensus' on your social habits were you being an introvert in public. Not the case in my observation.
Have you tried your hand at trying to get with guys instead?
Har har.
Well you're either gay, chicken, or picky. If the first, You yourself have talked about your proximity to the Oscar Wildes of Chicago. If the second, grow a pair. And if the last, it's a well known fact that the level of your alcohol intake is inversely related to the level of your standards. Therefore, get a few in you and perhaps it'll be good enough that she can fill out the People magazine crossword.
Of the three things that Tasha mentioned, I believe Pete is picky.
my vote is for gay
It's spelled Joliet (or maybe you wanted it to rhyme with toilet)...
Well Pete, since everyone here wants to analyze your love life I might as well join in..
You are a decent guy, that's why all of your female friends won't leave it alone. We think it's a waste that you aren't taken.
I agree with Jaimie from above, in all the times I have gone out with you I have never seen you hit on a random girl. Because you don't need to do that in order to have a good time. You just like to have fun with the friends you are with.
But I think that's really really cool.
So what if you aren't a womanizer? You are who you are. You are unlike some guys who only go to bars so they can dance (grind) with drunk girls.
You are picky but I think that is good too. I admire a guy that can turn a girl down.
I also want to say to everyone that Pete is in fact the life of the party, especially after a couple shots!!
What are you doing for Cinco de Mayo? Come down here to Champaign!
Wow. Didn't know a simple "single guy" rant could stir up so much.
I say we move the discussion back to more interesting things, such as the atrocities of the techno remix of "California Dreaming."
Lindsay, I'm partying downtown this weekend. Have a tequila shot for me.
dude i never hang out with couples. i would rather shoot myself than go through a night of that boredom. when one of my buddies gets a gf it means we have to take a timeout in our firendship because its never the same. no matter what they say they will not misbehave like they used to...
single people should only ideally hang out with single people.
Tom's gay. Couples, the girl of the couple, will have at least a few hott friends.
But, this is probably obv. to him... he still couldn't get any.