The bachelor, part 1
A beautiful 70 degree day sprang up out of nowhere in the middle of weeks of 50 degree weather.
At the grocery mart downstairs in my apartment building I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's, which, including tax, cost $4.07. The clerk gave me a dollar bill back as change after I had handed him a five dollar bill. Then he winked and said, "Have a great day, chief."
My coworker walked up to my desk with a tray of chocolate cupcakes she had baked for me this morning.
The front desk made an office-wide intercom announcement at the end of the day, congratulating me on my milestone.
So it should have been my day today. But to my complete surprise this morning, when I shut off the alarm clock and realized that it was my official 25th birthday, I said, "Fuck."
It's not just that I'm getting a little older, that I'm losing my edginess, that I spent this tame evening watching Lost while sipping MGD Light, compared to just three years ago when my drunk birthday stupor had me stumbling out of the bar and doing snow angels on the middle of an intersection that had absolutely no snow on it at all.
It's not just that at my still-young age, I've resigned to the fact that my body is one or two Cherry Garcias away from permanently taking on Kim Jong-Il's pot-bellied form.
No, I said fuck this morning because I'm 25 and single.
This issue isn't new. For a while I've felt bad about my lack of dating anyone, so bad that a year ago I forced myself into a relationship, which I ended two days later when I realized it wasn't going to go anywhere. That, by the way, had to be one of the worst things I've ever done to a person. "Pete! I just got off the phone with my mom and told her that I'm now officially dating the nicest and sweetest guy I've ever met!" is what she told me that night. And I held her hand and answered, "I'm sorry, I know it's only been two days, but this isn't going to work."
The truth is, I'm picky and unrealistically selective to the point that it's made me asexual.
When I go out to clubs and occasionally dance with girls who rub their crotches into my knee, I swear to you that I never, ever get boners. I mean, why would I? Sometimes they look perfectly fine, only their noses are too pointy. Or they are 4'9". Or they are born without earlobes.
And don't even get me started on personality flaws. If I meet another girl who talks too much about nothing at all and roots for the White Sox solely because she thinks Scott Podsednik is cute, I'll, I'll just scream is what I'll do.
My friends are always very concerned about me being single all the time, but I always tell them that I'm just waiting for the right girl to come along, that I don't want to date just for the sake of dating. Sometimes I'll tell them that I could very well be a bachelor for the rest of my life, and that I'd be perfectly fine with that.
Well, I'm not perfectly fine with it anymore. It's my idealism that scares me. Imagine me, 45 years old, never married, living alone, a former actuary, now a published novelist with stacks of obscure books all over a living room that holds an extensive DVD library and a plasma TV which constantly plays ESPN Classic. I'd only come outside to exchange banter with the mailman and to play speed chess with old black homeless men. I'd be kind of like Robin Williams' character on Good Will Hunting.
Creepy, right?
No matter how interesting and fun you are, when you get older, it just gets weird that you aren't married. And I don't want to become a weirdo. I don't want to lose my friends, either. The other day I was thinking about how great it was that May and Lyle drove down to visit me for my birthday, and then I quickly wondered why it had been a year since I had last seen them. The answer was obvious: married couples only want to hang out with other married couples. This would also explain why I recently haven't seen much of Phil and Krissy, who aren't quite married but have that marriage mentality.
What's going to happen when Roy gets married? And Dave? And Jaimie. And Julie.
I'm going to be all alone.
Well, at least I'll have Larry and Frank to hang out with.
But it's a confusing time for me. I want to want someone, but there's no one to want.
On the bus ride home today, I sat next to a friend of mine who lives in the same building as me. Since my party was last Saturday, a lot of people thought my birthday was then too, and have been wishing me happy belated birthdays ever since. He too wished me a happy belated birthday, so I corrected him by saying: "Not quite belated yet. My birthday is today."
"Well you could have fooled me!" he said. "You look depressed, man."
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15 Comments
Well whatever you do, don't settle!! Happy belated.
nothing wrong with being single as long as you have a group of friends. maybe i'll find ya a smart girl at business school who can support you so you can attend baseball and basketball games all the time :)
Three words for you. Mail. Order. Bride. When it comes right down to it, you'd probably end up paying the same for her as you would a ring if you met someone the conventional way. You'd save on dating expenses, plus you could probably get your money back if you're unhappy with your purchase.
I remember that, on your 22nd, when you were sprawled out in the middle of the street daring a car to run you over. I guess you could call that a "snowangel". I also remember you insulting a scary black girl and running into a back alley when she went after you. Good times, good times.
Honey, just because I'm getting married doesn't mean I'm going anyway. Ron loves you. Sometimes I wonder if I should worry he'll leave me for you or Frank. Friends are what make EVERYTHING ok sometimes...and you have some of the best. You have said so many times. She'll come along...you can't rush it. I'm glad that you aren't settling. Not many people are as strong as you to just be patient and wait. Just make sure you aren't missing out on someone great because she has a pointy nose. Hey...if you don't find her...there's always my beef jerky arm;) But you won't need it;)
Hey, Im dating someone right now so fuck you.
Oh, since when? And who?
I heard a playmate (i forget which one)once say "the best times in ur life are between 21 and 26." Most people nowadays don't get married until around 30 years old. And the ones that hitched before 25, the divorce rate is over 50 percent. This isn't the 1950's anymore. Look at Hugh Hefner- he's 80 but has said he the most happy now than during any other period of his life (including marriage). Marriage is over rated.
Find someone that makes u happy. Like u said- dont' date for the sake of dating, like goin to prom. To me, theres nothing more retarded. I think its funny when people are co-dependent; they need someone else to function. Im so independent. Hey- and theres nuthin wrong with watching ESPN all day- I love it! Scott Podsednik is ugly.
e-harmony
Honey, you're like my best friend!!! There's no way we're not going to hang out FOREVER! I just haven't been around much because of the over-load of work I've been taking on....but I promise I'll find a new job, take you out for ice cream and we'll party our balls off (well maybe you will). But regarding women, sometimes you need to let your guard down.....everyone has flaws, sometimes it's those flaws that someone loves the most in somebody. I'm always here for ya babe!
I don't know why you of all people would worry about being single forever. You're smart, fun, good looking with a good career. You should be on the next The Bachelor. The only reason your standards are so high is because you must realize how good a catch you are. Try not to be so picky with women, you would be surprised what an "average" girl can offer you.
Pete, if neither of us are married by the time I'm 30, then you and I will get married. Don't worry, we've got a plan now. :)
I am really surprised by this post, i thought you were really happy with being single and having your friends as your social network. Dont stress over this, you will find someone eventually, and if it takes a while just look at the responses you have here, you have plenty of friends who dont care if your single or taken. So no worries...and besides, we'll always hang out, even if larry has a g/f =) we can be single weirdos together.
I don't want people to misunderstand... I'm not sad about being single, nor am I frustrated about finding that "special someone". I'm sad about getting older and being the oddball in the group, about one day being 40 years old and creepy. I'm sad about not changing, while everyone else around me evolves.
Happy Birthday Pete!
Sorry I'm late, but I haven't done much blog reading lately.
Hey! You're 4 days older than me. I should've asked you what it felt like to turn 25 in order to prepare for my day.