Jamba Juice, here I come

I've been having really nauseating headaches at work for the past two weeks, so bad that from time to time I've had to kick my knees loudly upwards against the bottom of my desk in order to grant me a sensation other than this horrific, vertiginous non-alcoholic hangover. During this two-week ordeal, I've gone through a gamut of theories as to why this has been happening:

• Cigarettes. No, I'm not a smoker, never will be, I promise, but the last couple weekends while going out I've gotten into the habit of plucking cigarettes out of the hands of unsuspecting people and sucking in as much smoke as I can until they chase me down. If you also had eight beers inside of you, you'd find this pretty amusing too. For days after doing this I've felt extremely shitty, as if my body is craving some kind of pick-me-up. I think it's the nicotine trying to say, "Join us, or die. Resistance is futile."
• Bad contact lenses. Not only did I steal a container of my sister's contacts -- which aren't even close to being my prescription because she can still read street signs without contacts, while my naked eyes think that the big Letter E on those eye charts is the mathematical symbol for modular congruence -- but I haven't changed contacts in about four months. This isn't as bad as the time I went an entire year without changing contacts, but it's probably why my eyes are perpetually bloodshot, and why it feels like I'm walking upside down at times.
• Staring at the computer screen too much. I wake up at 7, watch SportsCenter from 7:30 to 8, sit in front of a computer from 9 to 5, and then after working out I log onto my gym's internet station to check my email and chat on AIM for another half hour. That's a lot of direct staring into artificial light by anyone's standards, but the only thing that makes me rule out this as a possible cause for my headaches is the fact that I've been more or less living this lifestyle for ten years. Although, having inefficient contact lenses and endlessly staring into TV/computer screens could probably do the trick. Just wait until I get internet hooked up at my apartment.

It could very well be a combination of all three of those things, but today I came across one more theory, one that makes the most sense:

My diet. It's weird how inconsistently resilient my body can be. I went through two and a half weeks of living off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches last month and was totally fine, save for a little bit of unexpected acne, but I still felt great. Now that I've been eating out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner my body and mind has gone out of whack. My four-a-day meals having been typically going like this: breakfast burrito, half slab of ribs, double cheeseburger with curly fries, butter pecan ice cream.

The last time I had a piece of fruit, any kind of fruit? Near the end of last July. It was a glazed strawberry off of a birthday cake.

And you should see my belly right now. It's about four or five rolls, stacked on top of each other like pancakes, with the two largest ones resembling the lips of a mouth that has the voice of that plant from the Little Shop of Horrors that goes, "FEED ME!" You know, with that black female Louisiana accent. Or, you could go with the voice that Sean Penn uses for Willie Stark in All the King's Men.

"YO' WILL... IS MAH STRENGTH!!!"

By the way, isn't there something about Sean Penn and a southern accent that makes you want to slap him across the face? It's because of the nose. Sean Penn has the fourth most annoying nose in Hollywood history (behind Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, and Dustin Hoffman), and when you combine it with a Louisiana accent, well, you just want to slap him, don't you?

Anyway, today when I inhaled my fried chicken from Popeyes like there was no tomorrow and consequently felt like a train was going through my brain, I finally discovered that it's the saturated fat overload that has been making me so nauseous every day.

I need to be healthy again. I need vitamins. Minerals.

For the next few days, I'm drinking V8. Not V8 Splash, but the real stuff.