I'm not a quitter
The taboo first entered my head last fall when my friend Tasha, who is also my sister's best friend, told me that she was quitting grad school and moving to California. My initial reaction was utter disappointment, because coming into my first year of grad school at U of I, I really hoped that we would get to become really close friends. But somehow -- like I would find out with many other things in Champaign last year -- it just didn't pan out the way I expected. About three months passed with me always intending to ask if she wanted to have dinner together (but never getting around to it), when she was suddenly off on a plane towards the west coast to start a new life.
And with her went my only prospect of making a close friend in Champaign.
Don't get me wrong, I made more than a few buddies in Champaign. I frequented Murphy's Pub and joked out loud during class enough times to become well-liked and fairly popular. But if anything, those friendships were more like acquaintanceships with people who would never see me again for the rest of their lives after a year or two. What I really wanted, more than a lot of things at Champaign -- and this includes a year's supply of Pokey Sticks -- was a best friend, someone to confide in.
Although, it's not like I really had the time for one. My master's program -- as all should be -- was one part grueling, two parts FUCKING TERRIFYING. I mean, it was insane. I tried my best to just suck it in and be a man, but there were way too many nights where I'd plop onto bed and punch the wall in frustration.
A lot of people don't realize or appreciate the amount of work that goes into being a grad student. Unlike undergrad, you can't slack off all semester and then assume that last-minute cramming for exams will save you. Grad school is pretty much a full-time gig entailing the constant studying of the material, discussing it with your peers, and kissing up to your professors so that he/she will put in a good word with the recruiters. And even if I could slack, I wouldn't. As a grad student, I'm investing an extra two years of my life to attain a level of mastery in a field that is important to me; to not put out my best effort would be moronic.
Simply put, finishing a master's degree requires a certain amount of commitment and a willingness to make sacrifices -- these were things that, by last winter, I realized I no longer had. How and when it happened exactly, it's hard for me to pinpoint. I could easily say that it was a combination of me feeling lonely in a sea of disposable friends, as well as being burnt out from all of the stress of studying like a maniac day in and day out... but there was more to it than just the petty growing pains of graduate study. I just knew deep inside that I did not belong.
With all of the inner turmoil I went through last year, I wonder now even, how Ph.D. candidates do it.
My feelings of taboo returned a month after Tasha left for California, when Lynn told me that she found a job in Los Angeles. She told me that Tasha seemed happy, energetic, refreshed.
I asked myself, Why not me?
Why shouldn't I quit, if I'm not happy here?
And so, for the entire spring semester, I continued on with this unthinkable train of thought, this tabooed idea that had once been out of the question for me: I would quit school. It was scary to even consider at first, because I didn't want to let my family down and because I rarely fail at things. I spent most of the semester toughing it out and studying hard, just in case I'd later have a change of heart.
But more and more, things fell into place that made my decision make so much sense.
By the end of May, not only had I passed my third actuarial professional exam, but the company that I was interning for indicated to me that they would be more than willing to hire me full-time if I quit school. This pretty much confirmed what I already knew, that finishing my master's was no longer going to benefit me.
Still, I caught a lot of flak from friends who thought I was crazy for quitting school. But you're so close, they'd all say. It's just a year left. Not too many people have master's degrees. Why give up that opportunity? Why quit? Why can't you just stick it out?
I could, but I won't. Why continue just for the sake of something as inconsequential as pride?
The mantra I've been repeating to all my friends is: I'm not a quitter, I just have the guts to not waste my time.
And I'm not a risk-taker either. If it weren't for the full-time position being extended to me, I probably would still be heading towards yet another semester at U of I. But I'm fortunate for the opportunity I'm being given at my company, and the job is going to be a good one, one that is not beyond my capabilities, yet challenging and meaningful. I'm planning on doing a lot of great work for them.
Consummating my decision to jet for the real world, I've recently put in a deposit for a high-rise condo in Chicago. It's in the heart of trendy Lake View, and stands a few blocks east of Wrigley Field, a few blocks west of Lake Michigan. I've started moving in already, and by the middle of the month I should be totally situated in my new place.
So, what's next for me? Life. The rest of it, to be exact. Living it to its fullest, to be exact. I'm going to return to becoming the person I once was. During the weekdays I'm going to work and build myself a great career, and on the weekends I'm going to do what I do best: make new friends, learn interesting things, and get into adventures.
And most important of all, I'm going to be happy.
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13 Comments
I totally feel you. I felt all the same things. How frustrating was it for no one you knew in undergrad to realize how hard and crazy intense graduate school is? It was especially hard since many older members of my family thought I was hiding in school instead of wanting to work in the real world.
I cried. A lot. Big baby...right here.
Finishing the master's was one of the most satisfying things I've ever done...but it's mostly because I knew I didn't belong in grad school...I really felt like I pulled a fast one on everybody.
...and you definitely are a strong and brave person for leaving. I still wonder if it was worth it...and I'm well gone from the experience. I stayed and made myself miserable for the foolish pride aspect.
You've got my personal thumbs up. Good for you.
Kerry -- thank you very much for that.
For the most part, a lot of my friends have expressed dismay at my decision to quit school. I'm just like, "C'mon, it's not like I'm a high school or college dropout. I'm just not finishing my masters, that's all, and I will NOT regret it."
I think the only reason that many have warmed up to the idea of me leaving school to work in the city is because they now will have a couch to crash on whenever they party downtown with me, haha.
You really hit home with the thing about your older family members thinking that you were just hiding in school instead of going out into the real world, because the same was happening to me as well. I'd speak to them about my undergraduate double major in math and computer science, and the master's degree I was working on, and my future plans on getting an MBA, and they would say, "It's great that you're collecting all those degrees... But, um, when do you plan on making a living?"
Anyway, thank you for your support. I really appreciate it.
Hey dude,
I couldn't be happier for you. I think it's great what you are doing. And the apt you are staying at...now THAT is a bachelor pad. Enjoy the real world, man.
well put pete, it makes sense now. At least you dont quit when it counts...nah, ill stay sincere and not make a gay comment =)
I'm always in support of whatever makes you happy!
You're going to love work, and you're going to love the city. Hee Hee Honk.
Always supportive of you big bro! You will finally get the satisfaction and happiness that you deserve :D Live it up you big yup
Good luck and god speed! I think it's fortunate that you're consciously starting on a new path. Some people aren't so fortunate and in the end simply say they "wound up" doing what they do. I don't think you'll have that problem :)
way to go, pete!!
congrats on the new life you will be starting!
I respect you Pete. While our little friendship has been short-lived, I have enjoyed chatting with you and spending time together. Sucks that at best, I'll see you when I come up for work travel (I'm being assigned units at UIC).
As "master," I can attest that graduate school is no fucking joke. I had no idea what I was in for -- I don't think most people fully appreciate what they're in for, when they went through undergrad like it was nothing. Of all the people I've talked to, the consensus seems to be: undergrad = cakewalk; grad = fucking sucks. That's why, with all due respect to anyone who might find offense, I have a VERY HARD time understanding how someone cannot complete undergrad. I mean. It was SO easy. I didn't even TRY. And ah, I'm not so smart that the shit just comes to me.
I agree with Kerry that finishing my master's was one my most satisfying things, too. It has been one of, if not THE hardest thing I've done to date. It was an accomplishment that I genuinely never thought I would do. I developed heartburn and anxiety just before my last semester. I quit smoking. I had no life and I was beginning to think that the small life I did have was unbearable. I learned a lot about myself. My limits. At the end of the road, it wasn't just about the degree.
I don't think that it was pride that kept me though. I stayed because I knew that it was an investment and I still believe that it will be worth it in the future. The payoff hasn't come yet because I'm still a novice when it comes to actual job experience. But when I acquire the experience and have the degree behind it, it'll be gold. I don't mean to insult you, because I respect you and I respect your decision. But I'm not going to bullshit you. I think you MAY regret this a little bit, Pete. Not any time in the near future, and if it makes you feel better to think that it is the best decision all around, then go with it -- but the reality is that you will never know for certain. A graduate degree could have helped you beat out someone else for a promotion (say, 10 years down the road) who only had a bachelor's. Now you'll be one of many in the undergrad pool. That doesn't mean you won't stand out -- you just have to make more of an effort at it since you don't have a grad degree to top it off.
The bottom line is that it's your life and it doesn't really matter what I (or anyone) have to say. Grad school isn't fun, that's fosho'. And you can't fully appreciate it, until you're there. If anything else, I'm sure you have mad respect for people who stick through it (and aren't arrogant fucks about it --those people suck).
:~)
Take care,
Randi
Another one bites the dust.
Just kidding. School is always there, and you can always go back if you feel so inclined. In the meantime, welcome to the real world.
Randi, by all means give me a call whenever you're in the city. Anytime.
Regarding the possibility of regret, I don't believe I'll ever get to the point of what-ifs. I'm fortunate enough to be in the field where, for the most part, advancement is dictated by 1) the number of actuarial professional exams you've passed and 2) years of experience.
Ultimately, the exams end when you've reached the fellowship certification, which for all intents and purposes is like a Ph.D.
I'm not saying getting a master's in my field is bullshit, because it's not; there are many good reasons why there are people that go for a master's, which I won't get into.
What I want to also add is that when the time comes where I would like to expedite the progression of my career, or go in a different direction in this field, then I'll always have an MBA to pursue.
Because of all these options at my disposal -- which include going back for my master's if I desire to do so -- I'm not too worried about regretting anything.
And Tasha, hello, and thanks for providing the inspiration for my decision. :)
Well it is my goal in life to inspire. That or own Sephora. I'll take one or the other.
But seriously, I'm happy you also took the leap of faith. And I'm happy to report, besides missing friends in Illinois, no regrets here so far. Now go kick corporate ass.
Good post Pete. I think Randi stated my thoughts on it; you would be better off having that extra degree, no doubt, but do whatever makes you happy.
I think I've seen a change in you sense lots of your friends have moved off to the real world. Got jobs, moved out, buying houses, getting married.
I can't say leaving school without getting a grad degree is a mistake on my part either, and I haven't passed any big professional exams either. Cudos to you.
Not that you want to buy a house or anything, I'm sure just the change in lifestyle is also what your looking for. I can honestly say, yes, college was fun, but I'm definitely done with that. MBA in the future possibly, when I'm ready, but I totally agree there is a certain point you have to get out.
Just don’t let the great job offer now fool you. A ‘such-a-great-offer-I-quit-school’ job offer is nice now, but in 20 years you’ll realize you would have been better off staying. However, nothing wrong with leaving when it is time.
Welcome to the real world man, it really is great. … now buy a house, buy a car, and get married.