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Highlights of Frank and Rachel's housewarming party

ME: Hey dude, I didn't catch your name there earlier.

DUFFY: Oh, I'm Duffy. Pretty easy to remember: Duffy.

ME: Oh okay, cool, nice to meet you. Yeah, I won't forget. Duffy. Kinda like Patrick Duffy, right?

DUFFY: Right!

ME: ...Of Dallas fame, of course, and most notably Step by Step, starring alongside Suzanne Somers.

DUFFY: Exactly! And he was in Little House on the Prairie, too.

ME: Uh... No, I believe you're thinking of Michael Landon, who also was in Bonanza, and died sometime in the early 90s.

DUFFY: Well, they look so alike.

ME: They do. It's the hair. Kooky, isn't it? Like how David Hasselhoff looks like Dan Marino; you ever notice that? When I saw Ace Ventura as a kid and Marino made his cameo, I totally yelled out, 'Whoa! It's the guy from Knight Rider!'

...

I tell Julie that the date she's brought to the party looks like Ryan Reynolds. Coincidentally, his name is also Ryan.

She says, "Wow, that is a great compliment to him."

I've only seen two movies that Ryan Reynolds has been in: Blade 3, where he is absolutely horrible as a wisecracking vampire slayer, and Waiting, where he basically just acts like a prettier version of Jason Lee in any Kevin Smith movie. I'm not a fan of Reynolds, but the girls seem to love him.

Julie says, "Ryan Reynolds is so hot. So damn hot. Oh God... his abs. So hot. Mmmmm... Hot."

She then bites her bottom lip.

I shrug, so Julie says, "Watch this," and taps Rachel on the shoulder. "Ryan Reynolds," she says, and that's all she has to say, because Rachel instantly flutters her eyes towards the ceiling and shudders violently. She must have had a hands-free orgasm.

I turn to the Ryan Reynolds look-a-like and say, "Must be nice to look like that dude." Ryan nods, then looks at Julie, then looks back at me with an expression that says I'M FOR SURE GETTIN' PUSSY TONIGHT!

...

Frank's best bud, Jim, and I meet for the first time. As an icebreaker, we start comparing notes about Frank's ambiguous gayness. Jim, watching Frank talk to some dudes on the other side of the room, he says, "It's nice to see Frank flirt with other guys for a change."

"Whatever," I say, "you know you're jealous."

"No way, man. He always flirts with me in public."

"Same here. And I hate when he tries to rub my thigh in dark movie theaters."

"Whoa... HE DOES THAT TO YOU TOO!?"

...

Grant's been staying away from the alcohol all night, mostly sticking to soda. I admire his self-restraint.

Larry asks him what he's been drinking, to which Grant responds, "Oh, it was Pepsi all night, but I've now moved on to Sprite."

I chime in, "You better watch out, buddy, you can't be mixing dark and light when you're drinking!"

...

The oddest thing of the entire night happens when "Float On" by Modest Mouse starts playing. Molly and Rachel look at each other and scream, "OH MY GOSH I LOVE THIS SONG," and they start dancing to it. A Modest Mouse song.

Rachel and Molly prance around the living room, swaying their arms in the air and doing plies, which I suppose is pretty much the only way one can dance to a Modest Mouse song.

Even odder is when super-drunk David stumbles in and says, "Modest Mouse? 'Float On' is a Modest Mouse song?? Whoaaa... I had no idea! I love Modest Mouse but I had no idea they made this song! This is awesome!"

Which, to me is like someone saying "Whoaaa... I didn't know Michael Jordan played for the Chicago Bulls... This is awesome!"

...

Funniest of all is Frank's post-party email, where he got all corny on us. He wrote:

Sorry to get mushy on everyone, but im really glad everyone was able to make it out. Most people know i dont consider myself very lucky in a lot of areas, but i really do feel honored to have such a loyal, awesome, strong group of friends. I never merged all of my friends like that, and i couldnt have been happier with the results. I was overwhelmed but in a good way. Thanks again everyone for making that an awesome night and the various food/drink presents. I wouldnt trade my friends for anyone!

Group hug. Yuck!