A bad Bill Simmons impersonation, Part 1

A lot of you have been requesting that I blog about my early impressions on the Cubs so far this season. If you haven’t noticed, I don’t particularly enjoy getting on my soapbox to rant about sports or politics or social issues. If I do write about these things, it’s only in vague terms. I prefer to keep things light by not taking myself too seriously.

But, shit. The Cubs. After a game like tonight, I just feel like this could be The Year.

And so, pretentious or not, I’m going to pretend I’m Bill Simmons the Sports Guy for the next couple of days. Today I’ll discuss why the Cubs are the best team in baseball and will most likely win the World Series this year, and as a treat, tomorrow I’ll give a crash course about the Bulls and why they’re a team worth rooting for.

How I’ll have time to be a diligent student in between all of this sports writing, I’m not quite sure yet.

But now, to oblige all of you, here are my thoughts on the Cubs:

MAD DOG
I can’t start any discussion on the 2006 Cubs without mentioning Greg Maddux first. I know he’s only three starts into the season, but there’s just something about how lively his ball is moving that tells me that every pitcher needs to learn that Roger Clemens offseason workout.

It’s uncanny how much he looks like the 1996 version of Maddux again, how his changeup buzzes and makes batters look foolish out there. How he’s become The Maddux: Reloaded. If he keeps this up, he’s going to run away with his fifth Cy Young Award.

And he’s just warming up, too. You know that magic pitch he’s got? The one that he throws to left-handers on 0-2 counts where it looks like it’s going to hit them but ends up being a strike? Well I’ve seen him miss the location on a handful of those this season, so just imagine how many shutout games he’s going to rack up this season once he starts hitting that spot routinely.

ONE AND TWO BATTERS
Last year, the only reason Derrek Lee didn’t have 140 RBIs is because every time he came up to the plate in the first inning, there was already 2 outs with no one on base. KPat/Hairston and Neifi batting leadoff and number 2, respectively, were ridiculously easy outs for opposing pitchers.

This year, no more. If you’re an opposing pitcher looking at this year’s lineup card, you’ll groan at what’s at the top of the order. Juan Pierre’s on-base percentage isn’t what it should be yet, but when he has gotten on base, it’s made a world of difference for the Cubs. Pitchers just aren’t comfortable at all on the mound when that little twerp — whose head always seems way too small for his baseball helmet — starts taking steps off of the first base bag, threatening to steal second and being merely a base hit away from scoring.

Plus, when’s the last time you didn’t feel queasy about a Cub bunting a ball? Having a reliable leadoff man who can actually steal bases and bunt the ball is like having TiVo. It’s a basic necessity of life that no one you know seems to have, but when you do have it, you point and laugh at all the TiVoless people out there.

And what on earth has gotten into Todd Walker? Nothing shuts up all that talk about his lack of defensive range at second than a .455 batting average.

BARRETT
Michael Barrett is tied for 4th in the NL in RBI, and this is from a guy who sits out every four or five games because Henry Blanco catches for Carlos Zambrano. Even with the consistent days off, Barrett is a shoo-in to have 25+ homeruns and 100+ runs batted in for this season. I realize this may sound like typical Cubbie hyperbole, but I really don’t think there’s a better offensive catcher in the major leagues right now, and that includes Ivan Rodriguez and Ramon Hernandez.

THE REVAMPED BULLPEN
Last year it was Roberto Novoa and Will Ohman-I-suck. This year it’s a steady diet of Scott Eyre and Bob Howry, supplemented by Scott Williamson’s nasty forkballs and the bad-ass Ryan Dempster as closer. Even without Wood/Prior in the rotation and with Zambrano getting burned in a few meltdown starts, the Cubs still rank third in the NL in ERA. And the credit belongs to the Cubs’ stellar bullpen.

Want to know something scary? Two members of the Cubs’ bullpen have 0.00 ERAs. One is Ryan Dempster, and the other is Scott Eyre. Would you believe that Eyre went the entire spring training without giving up an earned run, and two weeks into the regular season he still hasn’t?

This must be what it feels like to have an entire bullpen full of Dennis Eckersleys.

HOWRY
Would anyone else besides me be frightened to see Bob Howry walking down the street? The guy is ice. He’s out there in 40 degree weather with short sleeves when Aramis has a face mask. He has absolutely zero emotion and walks off the mound with perfect posture, a stoicism that totally reminds me of the T-1000 cyborg in Terminator 2 — oh you know, the one with that creepy opened-fisted running style.

CEDENO
To be quite honest, I never even wanted the Cubs to sign Furcal this winter. Sure, it’d be nice to have Pierre and Furcal lead off at the top of the order, but I’ve always been a Nomar Garciaparra kind of guy. Coming off his groin injury last year, I thought Nomar proved that he could contribute in a big way to the Cubs by putting up pretty fair numbers at the end of the season.

So you can only imagine how loudly I screamed in agony when the Cubs let him go. I mean, Nomar wanted to play for the Cubs. He was willing to play the outfield even, if that’s what it took. Yet somehow, Jim Hendry went with the unproven Ronny Cedeno, and what do you know, he’s actually quite good. And like Nomar, he tends to overthrow sometimes, which has made him look bad at times in this short season... but not as bad as he could look, because the 6’5” Derrek Lee has bailed him out on many occasions. Yes, he lacks the endearing big nose and grin, and the cute OCD thing that Nomar had, but Ronny is currently batting .364, which is something Nomar did a whole lot of in his prime.