The Snorer

I’m tired.

My computer is usually on 24/7 in my room, so there’s always a constant whir of the computer fan going on.

The “whir” of my computer is actually more like a loud purr because I own an ancient Compaq Presario. The noise my Compaq Attaq makes could get annoying, but after sitting at my computer for hours at a time for the past 6 years, I’ve just gotten used to it. Like any man will say about his nagging wife, “When you’ve lived with it for years, after awhile you just don’t hear it anymore.”

Still, I know the noise is there, so tonight I decided to turn off my computer before jumping into bed so that I could get a night of extra-restful, quality sleep for a quiz I’ve got in the morning.

I’m always surprised by how quiet my room is the moment after I click on “Start->Shut Down...”

I’m tired.

And someone is snoring.

...SOMEONE IS SNORING.

That someone is my nextdoor neighbor, in the apartment next to me. I know his face. We haven’t talked much because he’s quite the hermit, but I know his face.

I want to kill him.

His snoring is loud and aggressive, and won’t let up. It sounds roughly like this: “HOOOOOOOOOM... HOOOOOOOM... HOOOOOOOOOM...” Hoom.

Earlier tonight when I was on the phone with Meg, she was freaking out about how loud her little brother was snoring and even put the phone up against his mouth so that I could hear. To be honest I wasn’t too impressed.

The Snorer next door, however, is impressive in that his incessant snoring makes me see only blood red.

I read somewhere once that prehistoric man developed snoring as a way to scare off predatory animals while sleeping. I think, for modern man, snoring breeds predators.

I want to kill him.

I’m tired. I’m 6:11 AM and I haven’t slept yet.

I turned my computer back on, partly to blog about this, and partly to cover up the blaring snores coming from next door. But unfortunately, not even my Compaq Attaq whirs loud enough.

This guy is loud, and I want to kill him.

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOM... HOOOOOOOOOOOOM... HOOOOOOOOOOOM...”

A few minutes ago I pounded against the wall, but it wasn’t enough, so after pacing around my room several times, I walked out into the hallway and pressed my ear up against The Snorer’s door to listen to more of the madness.

A door behind me, across the hall from The Snorer’s room, opened up while I continued to listen out of frustration. Peeking out of the door was another one of my neighbors, looking clearly annoyed and exhausted.

“Do you hear this shit?” I asked him, slightly amused that I wasn’t the only one being kept up.

“Fucking yeah I do,” my neighbor replied, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. “I can’t believe how loud this fucker is. I don’t get it. I fuck my girlfriend all the time and people don’t hear shit.”

“Well actually, I think I have heard you and her going at it a couple times. Good work, man.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“I think I can usually hear you as well. You’re the one that’s always playing that Kanye West shit on repeat, aren’t you?”

“Guilty as charged. These walls sure are thin. It really sucks. Hey, wanna help me kill him? I’ll stab him repeatedly with a knife, while you cover his mouth to muffle his screams. But we’ve gotta be careful, because people in this apartment complex can hear EVERYTHING.”