The Birthday Stream of Conscious

We’ve checked into two hotel rooms in Chicago — Room 1104 and 1107 — and we’re pre-drinking and we’re drunk and we’re loud. While I’m walking in from the elevator towards 1104 with Roy, an Asian man stands halfway out of his room next door to mine and he looks grouchy. In the strongest accent that he can’t get rid of, he says “Aiiiii! Too loud! Can’t sleep! Konnichiwaaaa!”

I say, Sorry, I’ve got a bunch of friends in that room because we’re celebrating my birthday tonight.

The Asian man doesn’t seem sympathetic so I mutter “Domo arigato Mr. Roboto” right before he slams his door. I open the door to 1104 to find that Mr. Roboto is absolutely right. We’re raucous and obnoxious. Krissy keeps bouncing on Phil’s lap. Dann’s mouth repeatedly makes ambient noises. Frank is screaming “Go White Sox, WOOO!” while Dave hollers back that he is a Bisoxual and not afraid to admit it. In a corner of the room, Lynn is doing jumping jacks while Stewart tries his best not to check her out in front of me by moshing in the kitchen with Tyrus, Mandy and Gaylord.

As soon as there’s an authoritative knock on the door, I cower out of sight and leave Dann to talk to a manager who is responding to a noise complaint. The manager leaves, the door slams, and we’re back to partying. Roy, Dave, Dann, and I quickly do shots of Grey Goose. Roy puckers his lips and lets out a “Wooo, smooth!” Dave thumps his chest and roars. Dann coughs and says it’s worse than tequila.

We all march downstairs, out into the city looking gritty but never shitty. The manager that knocked on our door earlier walks outside and shows us his nice side, shaking all of our hands and telling us to have a good time.

When we get to Rush Street, Phil flirts with some guy at Level for some reason. Krissy doesn’t seem to mind. Phil then begins his OCD picture-taking thing, snapping picture after picture of every single thing he sees. Click. Flash. Click. Flash.

Dinah finally meets up with us at the corner of Rush and Cedar, and when she’s walking towards our group I give Roy a playful nudge and he tells me to shut up.

We get to our first destination on Elm Street and we’re only in line for 10 minutes but everyone is drunk and impatient and wanting to know what the hold-up is. Mandy thinks about showing the bouncers her boobs in order to let us in. Stewart keeps tapping me on the shoulder to ask if we should go somewhere else. Gaylord’s in line at the bar next door to see if he can get in faster there. The bouncer finally lets us into the bar.

The bar is small and crowded, but we all walk in there in slow motion. Just like the rap videos.

Frank keeps buying me beers like the saint he is.

Stewart shows off his alpha-male capabilities by talking to five girls at once. He pulls me into the group. One of the girls seems to be a 40-year-old incognito as a 25-year-old.

Dave keeps talking about beer goggles.

Roy asks Dinah to dance with him and she shrugs and says maybe later.

Phil takes picture after picture of everyone. It’s funny. People at bars usually feel insecure if they don’t have a beer in their hand, but Phil, he feels insecure if he doesn’t have a camera in his hand. Click. Flash.

Dave walks around the entire bar in search of a hot girl to dance with. Mostly there’s guys.

Ricky shows up and insists on giving me a hug instead of shaking my hand.

Roy’s had three beers two many and screams into Dinah’s eardrum: “DANCE WITH ME!!!” Dinah doesn’t.

Frank buys me another beer.

Dann tells Lynn that the music he listens to may be most brilliant thing you’ve ever heard on first listen alone, or it may take a cloudy day in October, with the just-fallen leaves flying across the roads as the winds turn from the south to the north, and you’ll have this on your ipod and you’ll reach another plane. Lynn looks bored.

I stop into the men’s bathroom to take a piss. Roy’s in there too and complains to me that Dinah won’t dance with him. I flush my urinal and tell him to not be so forceful.

Stewart taps on my shoulder and tells me we should go to another bar because there are only D-list hoes here. He’s thinking Shennanigan’s.

Some of us start dancing. Except for Dinah. The DJ plays “Gold Digger” and Frank looks like he wants to dance, but he’s too shy. Roy starts SCREAMING. Lynn and I rap the words to the song together. “WE WANT PRE-NUPT! WE WANT PRE-NUPT! YEEAH!” Roy waves his arms in the air and jerks his head around like a madman. Dave wants to grind with someone bad. Dann looks completely embarrassed about the concept of dancing and runs towards the bar to buy another drink. Krissy wants to dance with Phil, but Phil just wants to take pictures. Click. Flash. Click. Flash.

Gaylord tells me his first name, but I can’t hear it over the the hip hop music. Dann reveals to Lynn that his name is really spelled with one “n”. Lynn looks bored.

I walk around the bar and ask Ricky if I can take a drag of his cigarette. I puff the smoke out of it until it hits filter.

A girl kisses me on both sides of my cheeks. There’s lipstick marks to prove it. Stewart’s jaw drops when he sees this and asks where the hoe went. I shrug. Phil takes a picture of the lipstick marks. Click. Flash. Frank high-fives me. Dann gives me a nod and a salute. Dave looks both jealous and proud.

We finally leave for the next bar. Ricky goes home early. He gives me another hug instead of a handshake and tells me that I’ve taken his place as Roy’s best friend.

The next bar, Shennanigan’s it’s called, looks fun in a grimy, slimy, Irish pub sort of way. The night is winding down. Frank buys me another beer.

Dann crosses his arms together and looks exhausted because he’s been up for almost 24 hours and says he wants to go back to the hotel to sleep. “If we don’t go home soon, Pete, you’re going to see the bad Dann. And you don’t want to see the bad Dann.” I’m amused and tell him to hang in there because we might eat Subway afterwards. Dann sighs in exasperation.

I drink my last beer of the night, then tell the troops it’s time to go home. While outside, we bump into Stewart again and he tells me he has an inside tip that there’s hot girls at some other bar. I pat him on the shoulder and tell him to go without me.

We stop by Subway to eat. Dann leaves us. Roy orders a disgusting tuna with tomato sauce sandwich. I take a bite out of it.

All of us walk Dinah to her car. Roy still looks hurt that she never danced with him. I give him a playful nudge. Roy tells me to shut up.

Everyone says goodbye to Dinah. Dinah looks at me last and says, “Happy birthday Pete,” and I say, “Thanks but it’s not really my birthday until this Tuesday.”