Full-blown Panic

It wasn’t so hard a year ago when I googled how to tie a necktie for my aunt’s wedding, but I think that’s because I was just using the laughably easy the Four-in-Hand knot. What I’m attempting right now is the Double Windsor. Supposedly it projects confidence. According to this site: "Political and business leaders seem to favor this knot, along with foreign royalty."

BUT.

I CAN’T SEEM TO DO IT. WHY, I DON’T KNOW. IN LESS THAN 40 MINUTES I HAVE AN IMPORTANT JOB FAIR TO GO TO AND HERE I AM, ALONE IN MY APARTMENT, HALF-DRESSED IN MY SUIT. STRUGGLING TO TIE A NECKTIE. I'VE BEEN AT IT FOR THE PAST HALF HOUR AND IT’S MORE BAFFLING THAN A FUCKING RUBIK'S CUBE TO ME. THE INSTRUCTIONS SAY TO WRAP THE WIDE END OVER THE NARROW END AND PULL IT UNDER AND OVER THIS LOOP, AND BACK THROUGH THE KNOT AND UP AND INSIDE THE TOP BUT BELOW THE NARROW END FACING INSIDE OUT AND UPSIDE DOWN AND YOU DO THE HOKEY-POKEY AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROUND, THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT! BUT I CAN’T DO IT, WHY, I DON'T KNOW. THIS NECKTIE TYING THING IS ALL A MYSTERY TO ME. AND DON'T ASK ME TO JUST DO THE FOUR-IN-HAND METHOD, BECAUSE I WANT TO GIVE THE INTERVIEWERS A GOOD IMPRESSION AND NOT THINK I’M SOME SECOND-RATE IMBECILE WHO GOOGLES HOW TO TIE NECKTIES. 35 MINUTES TO GO BEFORE MY JOB FAIR AND I’M NOT READY AND ALL I’M DOING IS BLOGGING ABOUT IT INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THIS MOBIUS STRIP OF A NECKTIE WORKS. FUCK YOU, DOUBLE WINDSOR, DOUBLE FUCK YOU!!! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. I CAN’T DO THIS. WHENEVER I PULL THE WIDE END UP THROUGH THE LOOP, EVERY SINGLE KNOT I’VE MADE IN THE PREVIOUS 5 MINUTES BECOMES UNDONE. HELP!!! AHHH!!!