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Beauty and the Pete

Last night when my friend Angie (not the psycho Christian Angie but the school teacher from Florida Angie) and I were walking to a local burrito shop called La Bamba’s after a whole entire night of drinking, I noticed a guy checking her out. He puckered his lips together and blew air out of his mouth and silently mouthed, “Oooooh!”

So I decided to let Angie know about it.

“Hey Ang, did you see that black guy that just walked by?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Yo he was TOTALLY checking you out!”

Angie blushed.

“You know what though, a lot of guys have been checking you out tonight,” I said to Angie. “I don't know if you've noticed that.”

“Whatever, Pete.”

It was true. All night long, guys would walk past her, only to quickly turn around to allow their jaws to drop. All night long, they were ogling her curves. Their eyes would follow every inch of her body upwards until they met my grinning face and would feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed that they would look away.

But looking away would be hard. Angie is very voluptuous in a Latina-hot-tamale sort of way and has very, VERY full lips. Know who Vida Guerra is, from all those booty-shaking hip hop videos? If you cross Vida Guerra with Rosario Dawson, then you’d have Angie.

Sir Mix-a-lot himself would be impressed. 36-24-36? Only if she's 5'7"!

“No one's been checking me out, Pete!” Angie said, smiling and in denial.

“Okay...” I began. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll let you know the next time a dude on the street checks you out. We’ll use a codeword: ding. Yeah, ding. If another guy checks you out again, I’ll yell out DING!”

We walked past a bar, and another black guy who’s watched too many hip hop videos ran up to the window and mouthed, “DaaaAaYamn!“

DING! I said.

Angie blushed again and looked terribly embarrassed. I could tell, because whenever Angie gets embarrassed she smiles so forcibly that the vein in the middle of her forehead sticks out and starts throbbing so much that I start to wonder if I could check her pulse just by pressing on her forehead.

A couple dudes in whiteboy ’fros walked past and didn't look twice at her, and Angie gave me a look that meant: “See! I told you guys don’t check me out!” and I just shrugged and gave her a look that meant: “Don't worry, they were gay. Just look at their ’fros.”

And that’s when a whole parade of men started checking her out. Angie, one of the types that continually says to herself, “Where are all the nice guys in the world???”, she had no idea that there was a buffet line of men — nice and/or bad — walking past her and checking out her curves. It all started with a frat boy dude who walked by with his girlfriend.

DING!

An Indian exchange student walked past. DING!

A guy in a wheelchair that almost got hit by a speeding bus while crossing the street, he was a DING!

A bulky dude with a buzzcut walked past. DING! He immediately started licking his lips and rubbing his nipple through his shirt.

A scrawny Chinese guy with a “2pac lives” t-shirt walked past. His tented up jeans went: DING!

Two blonde, bimbo-looking girls walked by. DING. DING.

DING!

Angie started to get pretty damn annoyed by all my “DINGing”.

DING!

DING!

Over and over like a broken record, I kept yelling out “DING!” and I would look at Angie for her reaction, each time. But what started out as an embarrassed but flattered smile by Angie now evolved into a look of contempt from her. She really wanted me to stop announcing whenever guys checked her out.

We finally walked into La Bamba’s, to a room full of drunk and horny men. DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!

It was a sea of DICKS! and DINGS!

The ubiquitous DING!

Angie just shook her head in frustration and placed her order. “One chicken burrito please.” The guy taking her order, a Cheech-looking Mexican who had a large mustache that almost covered his entire mouth, he looked at Angie long and hard.

DING!

Angie glared at me and gave me a look that meant: “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP?!”

And then the Cheech-looking guy looked at her some more, with saliva fizzing out of his lips as he was licking them, and he whispered, “Muyyyy caliente...”

“What?” Angie asked.

Startled, Cheech said, “Oh! ...Muy caliente. Your sauce, you want it muy caliente? Hot?”