Voicemail

Last week I changed my voicemail greeting because too many people complained about the one I had been using. It went, "This is Pete. Leave a message." Simple and to the point, right? I made that greeting with the impatient people of the world in mind, figuring that no one wants to sit through two or three minute long Academy Award acceptance speeches. But apparently, as evidenced by everyone's whining, people DO want epic voicemail greetings.

So epic voicemail greeting they would get. Begrudgingly, I labored for about 20 minutes navigating through all the menus of my cellphone just to find out the option for my voicemail greeting. Why games like Frogger are easier to find on my cellphone than the voicemail option is beyond me. Anyway, I then finally proceeded to change my greeting and let me just tell you that making a piece of voicemail art is no easy task.

On my first take, I said this: "Hey, this is Pete. You guys know the drill... leave one!"

It was still too brief and also too peppy, in a 16-year-old girl sort of way, so I tried another route: "Greetings Earthlings, I am an extraterrestrial from the planet Glee-ton. Leave your name and number and I will get back to you in less than a parsec!"

No, I thought. Hell no. What the fuck is coming out of my mouth? Hell no. Girls are going to hang up right away if they listen to that.

So I tried rapping my voicemail greeting.

"Yo, yo, yo, you've reached Pistol Pete (uh-huh)
I ain't here dog, I split the scene (that's right)
my pickle's clean so bitch, kiss my meat
leave yo digits before I rip yo spleen (yeah)
as soon as I can I'll get back to you
in tha evening, morning, or tha... afternoon (that's right)
WHAT!"

I tried the German accent: "Ja, hello. Please leave your name and number after ze tone..."

I tried being funny again, but it always turns out nerdy: "Hello caller. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message. This phone will self-destruct in five seconds."

I tried to confuse people: "Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? I must be having technical difficulties, so leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

I tried to scam people: "Hey guys this is Pete. I'm not here right now but leave your name, social security number, credit card number, and mom's maiden name, and I'll get right back to you!"

I even tried to impersonate Britney Spears.

At this point I started sweating. How the hell do people do this? Would I ever get my voicemail greeting right? Tired and exasperated, I stuttered my way through Take 63 of my greeting: "Hey guys, this is Pete and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I... AW FUCK, FORGET IT!"

I took a deep breath before Take 64, then spoke slowly and enunciated each syllable to perfection. "Hel-lo. This is Pete Nguyen. I'm cur-rent-ly not a-vail-able, but please leave a mes-sage and I'll get back to you as soon as pos-si-ble. Thank you."

But even THAT drove me up the wall. Take 64 irritated me the same way a perfectly clean room irritates me. You just need a pair of dirty socks in the middle of the floor sometimes.

You should know that it took 65 takes for me to finally get my voicemail greeting right. In my typical, deep Sylvester Stallone mumbling voice, I simply muttered, "Hey this is Pete, I'm not here right now but leave your name and number and I will get right back to you."

If you'd like to reach me to find out what my voicemail sounds like, call 1-800-382-5968.