Pete the Hitman
Due to the lukewarm popularity of ill-noise.com, I've received occasional emails of praise from people saying they really enjoy my writing. I really appreciate it, guys. It's the greatest compliment you can give me when you say that I've succeeded in making you spit your coffee all over the computer screen.
What I find bizarre, however, are all the PENIS ENLARGEMENT spam emails I now get because of my site traffic. Honest, this is not due to any internet porn watching on my part. Spammers out there somehow find my site and see that I write about things such as my black penis or pube trimming, and just assume I'd be interested in "PEN1S ENLARGEMENT."
As if I need to be reminded again about my little teeny weeny problem.
(I AM JUST KIDDING. RELAX. IT'S HUGE, LADIES. IT'S GIGANTIC.)
This morning I received the weirdest email yet, and it had nothing to do with penis enlargement or breast augmentation or horse beastiality. The subject line for this email was "Death to the jackass", and it was sent by some kid named Joel who is convinced that I'm a hitman. I don't know anyone named Joel, and I've never received emails from anyone at his address, so hopefully this was just a case of mistaken identity. Maybe he really meant the other Pete Nguyen, because we all know the other Pete Nguyen houses a .357 Magnum inside his guitar. But if this Joel character thinks that the Greatest Asian in the History of the Universe is anything other than a lover of peace and happiness, he's simply delusional.
Here is Joel's email:
Hello Pete. This is Joel. I have an extremely important favor to ask of you. It does require you to get your hands messy. I need you to BEAT THE EVER LIVING SHIT OUT OF JOSH. He has made our Christy very unhappy. And he has not treated her with respect like a lady should recieve. And his recent actions of walking in, jumping on top of her, nuzzling her, and making her stay close to him, when she has repeatedly asked him to just leave it at friends. For someone who has agreed to this, he sure has taken a step over his promise. I would personally kick his ass, but considering i'm physically not there right now, i need you to be my feet and hands Thanks man.
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15 Comments
find 'em and do it!
He probably just figures that since you're Asian you must know martial arts. And since you're "the Greatest Asian in the History of the Universe" - you must be *really* good at martial arts. Therefore- you must be a hitman. QED
Looking at all those mastheads of you holding a gun it's no wonder that guy thought you were a hitman!
I'm actually only holding a gun in ONE of the mastheads, so I don't get where the confusion is. Maybe it's the masthead of me looking like Vito Corleone. That's probably it.
Damn you. You blew my cover.
you seem to be very defensive of your size...are you sure its gigantic? LOL :)
Yes, how big is it? =)
This big: 8=====D
and that's the actual size
Seriously, people.
seriously, people. enough with talking about my brother's private part. it's disguisting :(
Maybe the kid was talking about your Godfather masthead? You know, trying to be funny about it? Meh, it's too early. Why am I not asleep?
"Leave the gun - take the canolis."
This is good information to have. If I'm ever looking for a hitman with a huge penis, I will call you first.
even though your wearing cubby blue in that picture, you still look like a hot well endowed hitman.
My names Josh...but it wasn't me, I swear!