Horny

Last weekend when Lynn, Tasha, and I were drinking together, Tasha noticed that I was compulsively peeling off the labels of my beers. "You know that people who peel labels off their beers are sexually frustrated, right?" she told me.

I thought about the last time I've gotten intimate with a girl -- which was a long long long long long time ago now -- and thought to myself: Tasha's got a point.

You can blame my cold spell on the last girl I dated. The breakup was so ugly that it created in me a lot of issues with women, especially women that flirt excessively. Whenever a girl flirts with me, you'll notice me immediately building up a wall. I think this is just a defense mechanism I've developed so that I'll never get hurt again.

And it's a handy dandy defense mechanism too, because it's already saved me a small fortune on condoms, as well as a bundle on my car insurance. All of my friends, however, are somehow convinced that I look "sad" deep inside and strongly believe that a girl in my life is the cure for it all.

I'm not sure if I agree with that, but what I will agree on is that I'm a horny bastard right now, and I didn't even admit it to myself until just today.

This afternoon I went to go get a haircut, because you know, the fall semester at U of I is coming up and I just HAVE to look good for the ladies, as part of my contractual duty as an Asian sex symbol. The girl who cut my hair was a Hispanic hot tamale in her 20's, attractive, and with big boobs. And I'm a boob guy, I'll admit, so when she first called my name so I that could have a seat in her barber's chair, I pumped my right fist and bent my knee outwards and said, "SCORE!"

After the girl finished my haircut, she asked if I wanted to have my hair shampooed. Naturally, I said yes, because no man ever turns down getting his hair shampooed at the barbershop. It's just a rule of thumb.

So I was in the seat by the sink while the girl was shampooing my hair, and you know how the rest of the fantasy goes: her big boobs were all up in my face and I used every ounce of willpower to not nuzzle my nose into her cleavage, and the whole entire situation was just... great. I mean it was friggin' GREAT. Like a giddy teenager, I thought, This is even better than the time that dental assistant leaned over my face while working on getting my braces off when I was 12 years old!

The girl shampooing my hair looked at one of her Spanish-speaking coworkers, and thinking I didn't know a lick of Spanish, she said, "¡Qué un arrastra! El sólo quiere mirar mis tetas."

Translation: "What a creep! He just wants to look at my tits."