Roy

This is the guy who you will one day warn your children of. You'll say, "Stay away from Crazy Uncle Roy." This is the guy whose name mention can make an entire room explode in conversation about masturbation records. This is the guy who once fell asleep at the keyboard after playing 13 straight hours of Everquest, that fucking geek. This is the guy who looks like an Indian version of Bill Murray and has large eyeballs, but you won't say it to his face. This is the guy who wouldn't have graduated from college if you hadn't helped him cheat on a test. This is the guy who quotes from the Bible but also knows the names of all the famous porn stars. This is the guy who once was deep in credit debt but still applied for a new card just so he could create a state-of-the-art computer. This is the guy who was so broke that he couldn't go see a dentist about his toothaches, and researched so much about root canals that he considered performing the surgery on himself. This is the guy who is so reckless he will make you say, "That Roy. That crazy son of a bitch." This is the only guy honest enough to say Hilary Duff is hot, even though she isn't legal. And this is also the guy who once drove two hours to come see you the minute you told him you were upset about a girl. This is the guy whose very presence raises the energy in the room and makes the party a whole lot more fun. This is the guy who you hope to be friends with for the rest of your life.

Happy birthday, bro.