The Hottest Chili in the History of the Universe

Not to brag or anything, but I'm a pretty damn good cook. I could also be a pretty damn good assassin if I wanted to.

Allow me to explain.

Tonight I decided to make the hottest bowl of chili in the history of the universe. The ingredients were pretty simple at first. Pinto, red, and black beans. Red and green bell peppers. Garlic. Red chili peppers. Tomato paste. Ground beef. A little bit of salt here, a little bit of beef broth there, and my chili was done, right? Not quite.

As Emeril would say, "Let's kick it up a notch!"

There was this bottle of hot sauce, called "Da Bomb", that I picked up in a specialty shop during my trip to San Diego last summer. It's so hot that if you were to dip a toothpick into it and dab it on your tongue, your entire mouth would light on fire. Ever hear of the scoville scale? It's the standard of measuring the heat in chillies. Jalapeno peppers measure at about 5,000 scoville units. Da Bomb measures at 119,700.

So naturally, I poured about two teaspoons into the pot.

And the end result was magnificent, in a homicidal kind of way. This bowl of chili was so hot that when I ate it, my eyes watered up and my face was drenched with sweat. My scalp itched like crazy. Snot ran down my cheeks. I gave some to Nancy and Jackie and they ran into the bathroom screaming.

If you ever want to kill someone, if you want a hole to be burnt through their stomach, if you want them to fart spicy flaming farts all night, give me a call.