My Stupid, Stupid Spider-man Action Figure

I walked around my house party, merrily sipping on my concoction of Jagermeister and Mountain Dew, when some dude nearly spit out his beer from laughing and said, "What the fuck is that in your shirt's breast pocket?!"

"Spider-man," I said. "Spider-man action figure."

"Jeez man... don't you think that's a little gay and weird?"

"Not as gay and weird as you referring to my front shirt pocket as a breast pocket," I replied, walking away.

That fool, I thought. What kind of person doesn't understand the coolness of Spider-man? Obviously a dorky kind of person.

And then I headed into the living room, only to be met by frowns and looks of puzzlement. Some even shook their heads in disgust. Just in case, I checked my fly to see if it was open.

"Yo Petey," one of the drunks said. "Har, har... Is that supposed to be cute or something?"

It was never about looking good.

I found the Spider-man action figure a couple days ago outside of Portillos in an ash trash can. I was shocked that some kid had the gall to throw the figure away, and I was horrified to see that Spidey's right foot was ripped off. It was incomprensible to me. How can people not like Spider-man? What did Spider-man ever do to you?

So I kept the action figure as my own, not to play with, but just as something to put on my desk as decoration. Spidey actually sits on top of my computer monitor and he's a daily reminder that heroes really do exist.

The action figure itself is impressive too. It's got 28 points of articulation on it, meaning it can move its body at 28 different points. And if that wasn't enough, Spidey's head can spin around in 360 degrees.

Thinking it'd be a clever conversation-starter, I put the action figure in my front shirt pocket (not breast pocket, fool) for all to see at the party. I figured the girls would say "Aww, what a cute guy," and the guys would say, "Aw dude, awesome, that's Spider-man!" But no. They laughed. They all laughed. It occured to me that I should pull a "Carrie" and use my telekinetic powers to kill everyone, but instead I ran out the door in painful anger. I ran until I could run no more, until I was at the lagoon.

And that's when I threw my Spider-man action figure -- that stupid, stupid action figure -- into the East Lagoon and watched it sink to the bottom as air pockets bubbled to the surface. They all laughed at me. That stupid, stupid, action figure. With my luck, it's going to show up in front of my bedroom door tomorrow morning just like that one really freaky episode of The Twilight Zone where a girl's doll torments some poor, middle-aged man. But for now, Spidey is at the bottom of the lagoon, becoming a reef for really small fish.