Good thing I didn't brush my teeth with it
Not that this is really anybody's business, but some of the stuff I've gone through living in this house is just too comical not to write down. I live in a house with 9 other people, and as you can expect, drama occurs quite often.
It first started with people stealing food. Not a big deal -- in a house this crowded, there's bound to be a thief. I've probably lost about half of my food in the freezer due to food pirates. That's fine. But it's just a little rude, I think, to leave your lipstick marks on the opening of my milk carton.
Another big deal is what happened to my purple striped, button-down shirt. This was the shirt my sister bought for me to attract girls. She told me girls like guys in gay-looking shirts. "The gayer, the better," my sister told me. So I went against instinct and wore this fruity striped shirt every Friday night, and lo and behold the girls just flocked to me. But the one Friday night I DIDN'T go out in my magical purple shirt, I found it in the living room ripped to shreds by all of the drunks in my house.
Ripped to shreds. My gay shirt. (Gay voice) Oh no you didn't!
I'm not going to mention the time someone pulled out a hunter's knife on his hysterical girlfriend, so let's talk about the time someone drank my 6-pack of Sam Adams that was in a bag marked "Pete's" in the fridge. Leaving lipstick marks on my milk cartons is one thing, but drinking all of my beer is just a whole different level of evil.
When you mess with a man's beer, you're messing with the man. So what I did in response was I wrote a really nasty note to the entire house, basically telling whoever did it that he or she is going to Dante's 8th level of Hell (the Malebolge). I demanded my beer to magically reappear in the fridge and added a few choice expletives. I don't think anyone in the house has quite forgiven me for that nasty note, but whatever, they are going to the Malebolge.
That last incident was about three weeks ago, and after a period of awkwardness, things seemed to be fine. No one's been stealing my food lately. My frozen burritos have been intact. But then the most bizarre thing happened last night.
When I went to go brush my teeth, I pulled out my toothbrush, and...
...there was poo on it.
I'm serious. It was poo. Poo on my toothbrush. POO. Brown shit. On the white bristles of my good ol' Oral-B was SMEARED TURD.
It was like someone wiped his/her ass with my toothbrush.
It was like someone made frightening skid marks on the toilet and it wouldn't go away even after flushing three times so he/she used my toothbrush to scrape it off.
I doubted it at first because it just seemed too unreal. The only other thing that could have produced that is if I brushed my teeth with a dry toothbrush while eating a chocolate candy bar. But that still wouldn't explain the smell, the shit-like smell.
Did I say 8th level of Hell? I meant the 9th. Cocytus.
As my jaw clenched tight and my hands balled into fists, I thought about causing a scene and waving my poo-smeared toothbrush in everyone's face and demanding an explanation. But screw it, it's not worth it. I actually feel more sorry for whoever did it than angry. And in a demented sort of way, it would have made a really great episode of MTV's Jackass. I guess sometimes when you are really really pissed off, the best thing to do is laugh about it.
So I made a joke of it and wrote a note, less nasty than the one in the past, and posted it on the bathroom door:
Hopefully they will stop.
RSS
8 Comments
Completely off topic, mainly cause I for one am at a loss for words regarding excrement on a toothbrush, but Lynn says you're considering U of I for grad school? True?
Actually, not only am I considering, I'm GOING to U of I for grad school. Pretty cool, huh? We will hang out :)
I'll email you later with a bunch of questions I had about where I'm going to live and etcetera.
i fuckin hate your goddamn roommates man, not only because they ripped the shirt that I bought you.. That shirt was a gift from me, not for your bday or any special occasion, but just out of my own thoughtfulness and sincerity. no one had the balls to fess up and apologize. all you needed was an apology, not even an explanation. that's how understanding and laid back you are. and the beer? how fuckin rude is that! maybe they just had ppl over and wanted to entertain their guests with your beer, in which case you would've understood too but no one had the balls to fess up to that either. this poo thing is just weird. who does that?! hopefully it was just meant as a joke and they apologize for your reaction to it.
how can anyone be so disrespectful to someone with such good intentions, a huge heart, and a lotta class? i'm glad you're outta that shit hole in a couple weeks
Hey! Damn isn't God's last name!
wow...
i remember with my roomates, two of us were so anal that we almost literally would mark our food and condiments when they would be in a "community" area. To combat your tolietries being ... pooed on, you should get a little bag of some sort and keep everything in there, leave it in your room and take it to the bathroom w/ith you. Keep your toothbrush, deodorant etc in it, it works pretty well. If somoene busts into your room and poos into the bag, then your in deep shit.
Similiar incident at a ski resort where I used to work. I had to share a condo with nine other people and there was a communal bathroom (coed). A couple of my dorm mates got into a tiff and they did horrendenous pranks to get back at each other. One of such pranks- one of the guys went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Not even a minute later, he came out screaming with toothpaste lather drooling out of his mouth, wavering his toothpaste in his hand. Turns out he noticed too late the picture of his room mate's ass with his toothpaste stuck up his ass sticking on the mirror. Consider yourself lucky..
Cool dude. If that ever happens again just brush your teeth with your finger it works also.
The worst thing I ever had to endure from roommates is when they would neglect to take out the trash.. That sucks though about what you're going thru, you are a good guy though I admire your restraint. However maybe a note, funny or otherwise isn't the best way to handle it, if it were me I would have crapped on everybody else toothbrushes, see how they like it! revenge is sometimes the greatest statement you can make