The Con is On

This girl, grinding herself on my thigh at the club, mistakes the digital camera in my pocket for an erection and says, "Very nice." I say, "Sorry but I don't carry boners in my left pocket," and she pretends she can hear me over the thumpthumpthump of the techno music and tells me: "Watch where you poke that thing."

She asks me if I'm her knight in shining armor and I say I don't think so. Yes you are, she says. No I'm not. YES YOU ARE. No, I'm not. She digs her fingernails into my buttock and says, "You are my knight in shining armor." She tells me she's going back to find her purse so we can exchange phone numbers, and that's my cue to run off the dance floor and as far away from Psycho Girl as possible.

I make my way towards the bar and bump into Dave, who is always convinced that I owe him a drink. "Yo Pete," he says. "Can you get me another beer?"

While I'm rummaging through my pockets for cash, "Baby Got Back" from Sir Mix-A-Lot comes on and all the girls in the club scream in approval. Why is it that every girl pretends that song is her booty-shaking anthem? It's not even that good of a song. I'm looking around the entire club and half the girls are pretending they are singing along. They're just silently flapping their lips until the only words they know in that song come up: "...you get SPRUNG!"

And Psycho Girl wraps an arm around my shoulder and says, "My knight in shining armor!"

And Dave nudges me and says, "Yo Pete. About that beer..."

I search my pockets and find that the twenty dollars in cash that I didn't bother to put back in my wallet is missing. My eyes get really big and I say to Dave: "Dude! I can't believe it. Someone just picked my pocket! I kept my money in my back pocket and now it's gone!"

And Dave says, "What the fuck, man. Who would do that?"

And Psycho Girl waves at me from across the room and mouths, "My knight in shining armor!"

And Becky contemplates on if stuffing my face in her cleavage would cheer me up and says, "I'm really sorry, Pete. I hope this doesn't ruin your night."

Several bad old school hip hop songs later, it's time to go home. I try really hard not to be in a bad mood, but it's hard. I'm mostly just angry at myself for not noticing when someone is picking my back pocket. We're walking out the door of the club and I'm looking around to see if Psycho Girl is going to pop out of nowhere to call me her knight in shining armor again. Fortunately, she seems to have disappeared.

That Psycho Girl, what a psycho. I'm thinking, what kind of girl has the audacity to incessantly call me her knight in shining armor when I'm trying my best to get away? Get a friggin' clue. And what kind of girl has the audacity to grab my butt like that, digging her fingernails into me?

And then I've made the sickening realization that she is the one that picked my pocket.