Depilation

I don't care what Page 86 of my Men's Health magazine says. I AM NOT SHAVING MY ARMPIT HAIR OFF. I don't care if some women like hairless guys, if they find it sexy. The hair on my armpits stay. The hair on my legs stay. The pubes stay.

This is exactly what's wrong with society these days. We all like everything so clean and perfect and easy to deal with. We all prefer boneless skinless chicken breasts now. No one wants to gnaw on a drumstick anymore. Which is fine. I accept that society wants us all to be hairless, pink, and helpless. But if you're asking me to shave off my pits, you're asking me to be one vagina operation away from being a woman.

Obviously, I've got tons of issues about the whole hair grooming thing. And everything I know now, I had to learn by myself. My dad never sat me down and said, "Son, you gotta trim your pubes, or else it's gonna look like Cousin It. And I'm gonna show you how." Nope, I'm totally self-taught in the art of hair grooming.

Take for example the mysteries of pube-trimming. I used to think that the way it was supposed to be done is you spend a quiet evening by yourself, having the TV on and just trim trim trim your pubes with scissors all night as if it was a bonzai tree. And then I learned about hair clippers, which revolutionized the way I trim my pubes. You just snap on a #1, and viola, the job is done in a matter of minutes.

But what do I do about ball sac hair? There's no way I'm letting a clipper come close to my balls. I was once told by someone that an easy solution to the testicle hair problem is you run an ice cube over your balls until it becomes as hard as a rock, and THEN you trim it with the clippers. But I'm not too keen on the idea of cryogenating my precious spermies, so I'll just keep my balls the way they've always been: furry and disgusting.

Anyway, back to armpit hair. I've been staring at it for the past hour and I still don't know what to do. Do I shave it all off like Men's Health says, or do I trim it a little? And if so, how much do I trim? I can't just sit here idly. When you've got armpit hair peeking out of your t-shirt sleeves, something has to be done.

I was spotting this dude at the gym the other day on some lat pull-downs and noticed that he shaved his armpits clean. So I asked him what he thought about it, if he thought that guys having hairless pits was just a tad effeminate.

The dude just shrugged and said, "If you're secure enough in your manhood, it's not a problem at all. Besides, it just looks good and it's really practical too."

When I asked him how it was practical, the dude asked me to poke him on the armpit, so I did. "See?" he said. "I didn't laugh! I'm not ticklish there anymore. I used to be, but now I'm not. The hair is what made me ticklish."

All I learned from that conversation is that shaving your pits makes you start to talk really really fruity, thus adding to all the issues I have about hair grooming.