Coffee

It took 23 years of practice and experimentation, but coffee is now finally my friend. I can now eat or drink pretty much anything without any objections, although I do sometimes have a problem with mushrooms. Those black gills on them can still be pretty intimidating.

The first time I thought I was drinking coffee, I was 9 and microwaved coffee-flavored icecream. When I decided to go after the real thing one day, I waited until my dad turned his head and quickly took a sip out of his mug. It was nasty, and for the next ten years I avoided drinking that shit.

By the time my palate was advanced enough to handle the taste, I discovered my extremely low tolerance to caffeine. I'd get massive headaches from just a cup of coffee and for awhile it seemed like I'd never be able to become a coffee-drinker. So I did what any determined guy would do: I conditioned myself to an extreme caffeine diet.

There are these weight-loss pills called Hydroxycut that Roy and I went on last fall. Roy wanted to lose a few pounds, and I was curious to see if those pills could give me a 6-pack too. But what really attracted me was the amount of caffeine loaded in them.

For about two weeks I overdosed on these pills. The directions said to take one a day and drink lots of water. I'd do about three. I quickly learned that I wouldn't get any headaches as long as I kept moving, so I ended up getting A LOT OF WORK DONE. My homework was always finished early and I would constantly clean my room and people would get dizzy by just watching me.

I would answer the door before people knocked.

And after scrubbing the bathroom tile and renaming all of my mp3 files and alphabetizing my DVD collection, I would go online and harrass everyone on my AIM buddy list, then when people had enough of me, I'd jog 5 miles and bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch and floss my teeth over and over and over. And I already talk pretty fast as it is sometimes, but while I was on those pills no one could understand what the fuck I was saying. I talked faster than all the members of Bone Thugs-n-harmony combined.

My sister wasn't very amused and asked me to stop, so I did. I threw out that bottle of Hydroxycut, and with it, all hope of ever becoming a coffee drinker. Months passed, and I had forgotten about the whole caffeine experiment. Until tonight.

Tonight I was at the gas station using the ATM when I noticed the cappuccino machine next to me. I wondered if all that caffeine conditioning I did a few months back was really all for naught, so I decided to fix myself a cup.

And guess what? No headache! NO HEADACHE!!!

As I proudly sip the rest of this cup of cappuccino, it feels good to know that I am finally a part of the coffee-drinking public. Although I don't think I'll ever become as dependent on coffee as some people I know, namely Dave. Dave drinks so much coffee that when Becky gives him a blowjob, she can't sleep all night afterwards.

Now all that's left for me to do is get over my fear of getting stage fright when I make my order at Starbucks. Because seriously, those people give you dirty looks when you say your order wrong.