What if I develop scurvy or something?

This one time over the winter, Jackie told me that she was walking into the kitchen when she heard a noise. She was all alone in the house during winter break so this noise terrified her: the noise of a toilet flushing. As she prepared to grab a baseball bat, some dude emerged from the bathroom, looked at her, then walked out the front door. Evidently he broke into our house just to take a piss.

The prick didn't even bother to put the seat back down.

Nothing in the house appeared to be missing, but ever since that incident we've kept our doors locked at all times. If people want to piss in our toilets, well, too bad. Use the neighbor's bushes. Because of our keep-the-door-locked policy, I've felt relatively secure living here -- until this morning.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is a thief on the loose, and it could very well be Piss Boy. Or maybe it's one of my evil roommates, I don't know.

But WHO STOLE MY MULTI-VITAMIN PILLS???

The normal routine for me every morning when I wake up is I'll look over at my alarm clock which reads: "Still Single." Then I'll saunter over to the bathroom to take a shower, then I eat breakfast, then I pour myself a glass of water and pop a multi-vitamin pill. But today, my pills were missing. Gone.

I ransacked my room and created a pigsty and found my TI-83 graphing calculator that I thought I had lost for a while now so that was pretty cool, AND STILL I DID NOT LOCATE MY MULTI-VITAMIN PILLS. And we ain't talkin' no subpar, chewy Flintstone's shit. We're talkin' top of the line, overpriced GNC shit.

Damn it. I'm going to have to do it the old-fashioned way and start eating fruits and vegetables again.