Hoes Before Bros

My Valentine's Day anecdote is about a girl named "Jane".

"Jane" was this mega-hot girl in my freshman year english class whom a lot of dudes had a crush on. I was one of them. "Jane" is not her real name, but I'm calling her that for the purposes of this blog. Luckily for me, she sat next to me in class all semester so I had gotten to know her pretty well--to the envy of all the dudes in my class. I could tell that she thought I was really funny and interesting, so one day during class I thought: Why the heck not? Why not ask her out? On Valentine's Day.

I was so pumped about the idea that as soon as I got back from class I flipped open the phone book and looked up "Mariachi Bands".

There was this buddy of mine--I will refer to him as "John"--that also had a crush on her. John and I played basketball together several times, so I trusted him and went to him for advice on her. When John asked me what she was really interested in, I told him that she liked animals.

"Well there's your answer," John said. "You need to get her something involving animals."

I was so pumped about the idea that as soon as I got home I got on my computer and looked at fifty-pound stuffed teddy bears on Ebay.

One day when I was walking outside, I happened to see John squatting by the grass with a cereal box in his hand. But he wasn't pooing and eating breakfast, he was throwing Cheerios in front of a couple of squirrels. AND STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM WAS JANE.

"Awwww," Jane said as the squirrels happily munched on the cereal. "Can I feed them?!"

Jane tossed a few Cheerios to the ground and she and John continued to laugh and giggle together as the cute squirrels got their free lunch. John whispered something in her ear and Jane laughed even harder and hit him on the arm.

Now that was just low. That bastard, John. Stealing my insider information. Playing the sensitive-guy-who-likes-animals card. That bastard.

A week passed, V-Day was just a couple days away, and there was finally some nice weather. So I called Jane up and asked if she wanted to throw a frisbee around with a bunch of my friends. Jane said sure, and everything was going according to plan. The same way people choose ugly bridesmaids at weddings so that the bride will look the most beautiful, I chose only the ugliest guys on the floor to play frisbee with us. I threw the frisbee around with my repulsive floormates for about ten minutes when Jane finally showed up. With that bastard.

"I bumped into John on the way here and asked him to join us. Is that okay with you?"

"Sure it is," I said, gritting my teeth. "The more, the merrier."

I really wanted to make that bastard look bad so when we started playing, I tried to whip the frisbee at him as hard as I could. Thing is, the frisbee must have stuck to my hand or something because it went about ten feet before landing and rolling all the way to the bushes. I looked like a total pansy.

When we were finally done playing and walking back to our dorms, Jane threw the frisbee at John, who wasn't looking. It hit him squarely at the waist, and that is when the bastard pulled one of the oldest tricks in the book. He grabbed his groin and grimaced in pseudo-agony. Then he laughed and said, "You got me in the nuts!"

Jane covered her mouth in laughter and then John said, "Let's see how you like it!" and playfully tackled her to the ground. Then they started rolling around in the grass and having a gay old time and that's when I had had enough and stormed off. Those bitches.