Spidey-sense... tingling!

The greatest movie in the history of the universe has arrived. If you guys don’t think Spider-man 2 is the coolest movie ever, I will bite your noses off — one nostril at a time — and spit it into a coffee grinder. So don’t test me.

What makes Spider-man so damn cool is the humanity of the character. Batman, yeah he’s cool, but I really have trouble believing a guy armed with a utility belt can beat up all the bad guys. Superman? He’s too one-dimensional and god-like to cheer on.

But Spider-man, ah yes, Spider-man. He has some of the most interesting powers in the whole comic book universe. He has superhuman strength and agility, and his hands can cling onto walls effortlessly, and he shoots spiderwebs from his arms. And if that weren’t enough, he has a spider-sense that allows him to sense danger. Friggin’ incredible.

When I was a kid, I used to read these comics about him religiously, turning each page with precise care. And when I finished reading, I’d run around the house pretending I was webslinging through New York.

See, me and Spidey, we’ve got a history together. Out of all the superheroes out there, I chose him as my favorite because he’s just one of us. As Peter Parker, he’s portrayed as weak, unreliable, unsure of himself. He struggles to pay his bills and has trouble making it to his classes on time. Let’s not even talk about his love life. So—all these flaws, and he still finds time to fight the bad guys? What a bad-ass.

And now that I’ve said all this, go out to your nearest theater and watch Spider-man 2 at least three times. I’m trying to get this movie to break box-office records, so, work with me people...