Saw the most repulsive thing ever today. This guy on my bus looks just like my girlfriend. He’s stolen her face, her beautiful face. Most people think my girlfriend looks like Anne Hathaway, and others say Kristin Davis, but really it’s kind of like remember that plot in the GI Joe cartoon series where Cobra genetically spliced together the DNA of all of history’s greatest rulers and conquerers — Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, Alexander the Great — in order to create the perfect leader, Serpentor? That’s my girlfriend, a cocktail of all of Hollywood’s starlets combined into one. This guy looks like her but with short hair.

In robotics there’s this theory. The anthropomorphisation of inanimate objects creates empathy, e.g. Tom Hanks crying over losing a volleyball with a smiley face smeared on it. The more human-like the attributes, the cuter we find the object. But plot the emotional response of someone observing an increasingly human-like object on a graph and at some point, somewhere between near-human and human, it freaks the fuck out of your mind, e.g. Tom Hanks’ dead eyes as the conductor in The Polar Express.

Anyway this guy on my bus. Why the symmetrically pouty Julia Roberts rubina/Hollywood lips with the double Cupid’s bow? Why the doe eyes? The widow’s peak? The—

It just ruined my day is all.